So I'm just waiting for the timer to start to make sure I haven't missed anything. I've got it set on a full definition. The green screen is in the post, should be here shortly. I don't know why it's cropped like this on the side. I don't think it's usually like that. And it is on landscape. So I don't know whether something's been played with or not, but Yeah, I can't change that point. Sorry. Otherwise, hopefully the quality is at least a little bit better. Patiently waiting for the timer to start. All right. Hi everyone and welcome to another episode on the Stacey M Show. Thank you for joining me yet again. So last week I spoke about the brace method and this week I am speaking about the strategic pause method. So the examples I'm giving are family law examples but you can use these methods in anything. It doesn't just have to be family law and They're simply suggestions as to coping techniques to help you either in your femoral matter or whatever, you know, just life in general if you're going through something. So as usual, take what you need. don't you what you don't find relevant you might want to mix a little bit of things up um I did say that I have broken this in it to a few different weeks just because there are so many different things to mention in each episode I don't want to overwhelm you because I know what it's like listening to a podcast episode and that stuff is getting thrown at you and then you're getting confused and you're trying to write it down it gets too much and then you stop listening so um the strategic pause method um involves a few different things I suppose effectively it is when you were triggered by an email, by an action or something like that. So I often say, don't react with emotion. And I know that's really, really hard to do. I know I used to be pretty bad at it. I'm definitely much better than what I was, but you know, sometimes you just, you know, you explode and you know, it's done. But yeah, um some tips are coming up just in relation to how you can try to use this method how you can try to not react with emotion in something especially in a family law matter because if you do you are likely to be paying more in legal fees because the responses are going to be really abrupt and that's probably going to set the tone for your family law matter and you're going to be going back and forth with correspondence that is essentially just fighting over nothing or bringing up things that don't need to be brought up because they're not going to move the needle in your divorce. So any time you go to react with emotion in your family law manner, just know that you are probably going to be paying more in legal fees because of your emotions. And, you know, there are stress considerations to be taken into account as well. If you are always responding on edge, if you're really, really peaking, your stress levels are going to be through the roof and that's going to start having a toll on your insides. It's going to start to affect you mentally, how you show up as a parent, as a friend, as a boss, as a co-worker, whatever that might be. So think about those considerations as well. um so the first thing um I want to talk about is a three by three by three technique and I guess the scenario that I have been using as I said is a family law matter so um for that purpose I'll be speaking about a family law matter but you know tweak it to how you need but you know you might be in court Or you might be in a mediation and your ex's lawyer makes an unexpected claim that, I don't know, there was domestic violence when there wasn't domestic violence. You've taken funds out of the bank account. You were abusive. You were a bad parent. Whatever it may be, something that is not true. And straightaway, your response is probably to stand up, smash your hands on the table and let rip. I definitely would have done that in the past. I don't think I would be as bad to do that anymore, but it's definitely understandable when you have all that stress built up. so uh you know if this might be so take it in a work consideration so say you are in a team meeting and somebody says that you're not pulling your weight your work's gone downhill it's crap you're late all the time you leave early and you know this is all a surprise and you know you don't agree with some of it so if that's you know if you don't have that family law matter consider that maybe in a work response. And again, if you were to respond to that really aggressively, again, smash your hands on the table, you know, call your boss, whatever you want under the sun, that's probably not going to work too well for you. And it could end up in a loss of a job, which you probably can't afford to do. So some tips to try and help you with your response. So the three by three technique, there are a couple of things in this. So effectively, the first one is just some breath work. So again, I'm not the biggest person person on breathwork because I don't really do it myself there's a few things that I might do every now and then but there are so many different breathwork techniques out there if you googled some you better find some uh wim hof is really big he's probably the biggest one I know uh in relation to breath work um so it's either going to work for you or it's not but it will definitely um kind of reset your system to to calm you down a little bit than what you were so inhale for four You hold for four and then you exhale for six. And you do that at least three times. So what that's going to do is just start to regulate your emotions. I'm not saying you're going to be completely cured of your angriness or anything like that. It's just going to give you that pause before you respond. You know, if you're in that meeting, if you're in whatever it might be, You know, it might not be practical to use this, but you may be able to just simply have a deep breath. Like maybe that might be what you need to bring you back down a little bit before you respond to whatever it is that you're responding to. So I know the example that I have here is probably one that I used to get triggered by a little bit. So you open up your emails just before bed. And you see a message either from your ex or somebody, you know, with your ex might be changing the children's schedule. They might be saying, I can't pick up the kids tomorrow. It might be a client sending you an email expecting, you know, getting cranky at you because you didn't check your emails over the weekend. And, you know, your response might be just to fire back. um I did say the other week I did fire two responses back and I did not hesitate with those ones I know that's going against um what I am trying to tell you here um you know I suppose there could be reasons and there could be justification as to why you perhaps fired back I was very careful with what I fired back um and it had been a client who has It's been really difficult to deal with, you know, bending over backwards to try and assist them. And the email came in and I was not afraid to lose this client as a client because the energy was just so draining. So, you know, I... responded better than what I would have a few years ago but I did not sit on that message so but as I said if you word it right you may fire one back just be really really careful though um I need to practice what I preach but um yeah so then you're about to go to bed you see this email and you fire one back and then you can't sleep so I've actually taken emails off my phone I do and that was what I always did I'd check emails before I went to bed and then I would you know, not be able to sleep because then I've seen something and then I'm thinking about it. So I don't have emails on my phone. I have put those boundaries in place where, you know, if I'm at work, I'm at work. If I'm not, I'm not, including when I'm working at home. I used to respond to clients on weekends or whatever. I was like, you know what? I have kids. I have a life. I have family. It's not reasonable for me to keep doing this. So Instead of maybe taking emails off your phone completely or take notifications off, that's what I've also done as well. But if you're looking at that before bedtime, perhaps that three by three method is what you need to try to get to sleep and, you know, perhaps sleep on it and don't, you know, respond. See how you feel in the morning because you probably will be a little less aggressive in the morning, hopefully, than what you would have if you would have fired a response back. Part of that is taking three steps back, which I guess I've already discussed. So it's taking that space or the triggers away from your space. So it might be taking those emails off your phone. It might be taking notifications off your phone. It might be creating those boundaries so you're only checking things within certain timeframes of the day. I know for me that's pretty unrealistic. because being in a legal practice and many other practices or even the mortgage broken business time is of the essence like you have to respond really really quickly so that might not be something that's entirely practical for you but definitely hopefully not checking emails on weekends you're you're finishing up five you're not responding to emails late at night um and whatever like that so whatever is your trigger is for that see if whether that's something that you can reduce or eliminate And again, it just really trying to not react with that emotion. So if you get that email or that text before bed and it fires you up, do your absolute best to not respond to that message. I would highly recommend suggest that you respond to that to the next day. Once you've slept on it, your sleep might not be the best, but hopefully you've got some sleep in. Or if it's something in the morning or during the day, you might just want to take your time to respond to that. If you're not sure either how to respond to something, so if you write something, I call them stacy emails. I think I've discussed this before. So once upon a time, I would have wrote like a really stacy email. I would have been really aggressive because I was just over it. we have chat GPT now. So if you write something and you think, Oh, that's a little bit too Stacey, maybe put it into chat GPT and say, Hey, this needs to be firm, but maybe make it a little bit more, you know, nice, not so attacking. So you have that option as well. The other one is just trying to change your thoughts. So, there's a lot that I cover in my program and obviously I'm trained I'm now a clinical hypnotherapist I finally finished my studies on monday so I'm officially now a clinical hypnotherapist but there's lots of reframing that you can do as well I'm not going to go into it too much here because it's more of a personal thing um you know you might need something you know you may have your phone and have a photo of your kids on there perhaps and perhaps that is what you need to bring you back down. Another one I try to use is, is this going to matter in five years' time or is this going to matter in five days' time? And most of the time it's not. So I try to leave things. I'm like, you know what, this isn't going to matter in five, five weeks, five days, five months, whatever it might be, I'm just going to drop it because it doesn't deserve my energy. But, yeah, meditation could be another one as well. But, yeah, the positive thoughts thing is probably really more personal. But, yeah, as I said, you might just be simply having a photo of your kids on your phone or something that you enjoy. You might have your desktop computer with like a vision board or something like that. But, yeah, definitely reframing and having those positive thoughts can also help you in that method. The other one is called strategic timing windows. And, again, I've pretty well already touched upon this. But if you have to respond to something, responding to it at nine o'clock at night probably isn't going to be a good idea. You're probably really tired. You want to go to bed. You're not thinking straight. You're probably going to be reading it. And you're going to be reading it over and over again because it's just not going to be sinking in. You might be firing off emails to your lawyer or somebody going, hey, I don't understand this. And then an hour later, oh, yeah, no, don't worry about this. Oh, yeah. Like, you know, so you might just have that back and forth a little bit. so I would try not to be reviewing anything or trying to make decisions especially legal decisions when you're really fatigued and when you should be starting to wind down to go to bed because you're probably not going to be making your best decisions then so really I suppose it's another boundary thing and again trying to not react with emotion as well which I know is really difficult But, you know, do your best. And again, like I said, my example was like, you know, you're looking at a property settlement proposal, you're waiting this at nine or ten o'clock at night, you know, you're probably better off holding it off and leaving it to the morning to read. There is probably going to be no benefit to be reading something late of a night time. There are obviously urgent things if you're at court. So that could be a little bit more different. I would probably put that down to that's probably going to be more of a lawyer issue than yourself. So perhaps sometimes you may have to review something when you're late at night if you have court the next day. But if possible, try and leave it to the next morning and you got hopefully a good sleep and you can break that. Hopefully it makes sense. And then you can make a decision from there. Another one is just to be really organized. So it was funny, my eldest daughter said to me the other day, she says, oh, it makes so much more different when we're organized. And I'm kind of like staring at her going, like, is this the first time that you've thought about this? But being organized can make a really big difference. So depending on what it is, it might be like simply organizing your desk. It your disclosure documents and everything you need for your divorce. So something could go into depth in my program. So I might be keeping that organized. You might be making sure that your filing is kept up to date. So if you have to grab documents, you know, where they are like bank statements or super statements or, you know, share statements, whatever that might be. if you were going to an appointment you know might be a doctor's appointment so it might not even be legal related having your referral there and maybe what medication you're on and you know a brief history as to to why you're now at this appointment you know that can help as well but being organized relevant or whether it's a separation can make the world of difference because You're just not running around trying to find things like, you know, trying to find shoes for school when you're running out the door or joggers or, you know, your jacket or your car keys or your phone or something like that. So organization can play a massive difference just in everyday life. So I would highly suggest that. Having a bit of a brain dump as well. So I have a pen and paper next to my bed because it's not uncommon for me to either come out of the shower with an idea and have to write it down or I've woken up in the morning or woken up in the middle of the night and I'm like, oh, that's a really good idea. And then I drop that down and then I go back to bed. So maybe that's something that you need. You might need to take a bit of time just before your appointment to work down what questions do I have? Because guarantee, if you're like me, I will walk into Woolworths and I need one and two things. I don't need to write a list. The moment I step foot into Woolworths, I'm standing there blank, not knowing what those two things were. So if you're like me and have a complete blank, everything that you know what you want when you start to walk in, Literally you step foot in Woolworths and then it is a complete blank. And then most of the time I'll leave with things I didn't go in for and then I go home and I realise what I needed and then I've got to go back and that's when I usually wrap my list. But having a brain dump of your questions can make can be really good because then you're not going to your appointment and sitting there going, oh, I had all these questions and I don't know what they were now. Like, I can't remember. So yeah, writing your questions down for whatever person it may be, your lawyer, doctor, boss, you know, whatever that might be. So preparation and organization can make a really big difference as well. And again, like just taking that pause, working out what your triggers are. If you are triggered to go to bed with an email popping up, turn notifications off or take emails off your phone, turn notifications off for messaging. If there's somebody that you don't want in your life, maybe block them. You know, go to that extreme, whatever it might be. If there's a trigger that you can change, eliminate, then try to – it would be advisable to try and do that so you don't trigger it. I know there was a pilot group that I was in. I've left them because I got over – Because I knew so much bad advice that you can see in a group and I do my absolute best to try and respond. And when I was just seeing all the questions and the answers popping up, I'm like, oh, you know what? This is triggering me. I don't have time to be monitoring like people's bad advice. Hopefully people know better than to take advice from people who are not qualified to take advice. So there was a pile of Facebook groups that are left because I just couldn't anymore. There are people that I unfollow. There are people that I unfriend. There are unfriend, defriend. There are people that I have nothing to do with anymore because I don't need them in my life. You know, whatever it might be, you can have an absolute massive declutter of anything and everything. if they are a trigger. But I'd probably suggest start small. Don't go on a big rampage of eliminating whatever might be triggering you because sometimes it might be unavoidable. And it's just making sure that we can help you manage those triggers if we can't eliminate them. So just a pretty little recap. Preparation, organisation is really, really important no matter what it is. Could be a divorce, could be a doctor appointment, could be interview whatever it might be so organization is very very important writing things down so you don't forget so you know having that brain dump uh questions that you have um solutions to those questions perhaps if you're thinking a little bit ahead if it is a separation having you know whatever you need for that doctor's appointment right there on your history just having those documents will make it so much easier and make the appointment go a lot smoother as well um I said breath work um if that's your thing people tap as well tapping is definitely not my thing I've tried that a few times and it's just not me having said that I may kind of tap here um there are I'll see if I can do an episode on it it was something I learned recently but you're not necessarily tapping and saying new things but it's tapping different areas of your body to have a similar effect as to birth work, I suppose. So, and it's kind of breaking the connection that you have. So, you know, I may have like, it's like some seed or something that I've had forever. So like I might have that and like do that in my hand or, you know, I may put, you know, cream on. So I might do that, you know, the technique where you have a nice scent of cream, you put it on, you have a bit of a, you know, smell to really take in that scent. As long as you like that scent, don't get a yucky smelling cream. And giving yourself a hand massage, like things like that can break up your reaction to something as well. Um... And what else? And that was probably all I really had to that. So again, it's just a different take on how you can choose to react to things. But know that if you do react with that emotion, if you react really, really aggressively. You are setting, especially at the start of your separation or your divorce, you are setting that matter up to probably continue running like that for the rest of the matter. And it's going to be really hard to get back to not being so aggressive. And it's going to drain your energy. And you need that energy to go to work, be your leader, be your boss, be your parent, whatever it is. You don't need to be wasting unnecessary energy on something that probably isn't going to matter, again, in five days, five weeks, five months, five years. So we have about three other parts left to this series, but hopefully that's given you a bit of an idea as to things that you can implement. I said, take what you need. Don't take it if it's not what you want. Go back to the Bruce method that we did last week. But it's just trying to provide you with ideas that you can use in everyday life, in your divorce, whatever it might be to just kind of Stop your reacting with so much emotion. Start to bring your down. You don't want your blood pressure and everything elevating over somebody that's probably not quite worth, you know, doing harm to yourself, both externally and internally. And you don't want to be that cranky parent or that cranky Coworker, if you're constantly just on edge because that's the way that you're choosing to react to things. And again, I know it's really tick record. It is something you either want to learn to implement or you don't. I said I'm not perfect. I'm definitely much better than what I was. I don't know whether being a parent has made me better or worse. I think I probably got worse at the start, especially just because I had gone out on my own and running my own business and everything. But the past few years, I have definitely taken a different perspective, obviously, with additional training that I've done. I was like, you know what? This person is not worth my energy. Delete, unfriend, block. whatever whatever it is taking that trigger away as best as I can I don't have emails on my phone I'm going to create those boundaries with work where I'm not going to be responding to people on weekends anymore so I don't see that expectation as well but um yeah it's just do what you can because it's not going to be sustainable to keep reacting really really aggressively to things it's you're gonna end up sick and you know doing a whole pile of damage to to yourself and possibly the relationships that you have as well so hopefully that has helped uh if you have used this method um please let me know how you are going with it so we do have the brace method that we did last week and there's a few other episodes as well and where we've done similar things in the past but I do go in a lot more in my empowered separation program because it's so much more than the legal side of things you have different conflict styles you have china deregulation you have heaps of different things in a separation. And that's the whole point of the program is that it's not just about the law. It's about yourself and coping mechanisms that can help you in everyday life and not just your separation. So thank you for joining me today, listening or watching. If you're watching this on YouTube, if you have had success with these methods, I would love to hear them. And I, yeah, thank you for listening and I will catch you next time. See you.
