Hi everyone, I'm here today with the lovely Sharon and she's from Functional Family and today's podcast is in relation to tips on how to Have families reduce overwhelm when it comes to having children who may have autism or ADHD? But I think the best person to introduce herself would be Sharon. So Sharon, can you please give us an introduction as to who you are and what you do? Thank you. It's so lovely to be here. So my name is Sharon Collin and I am an award-winning credentialed ADHD coach, consultant and parenting expert. And I have the best job in the whole world. I get to support beautiful families navigating ADHD and a real passion for me because I also live it every day. I have three beautiful sons that have We have ADHD, OCD, ODD, that's oppositional defiance disorder for people, specific learning disorders, sensory processing disorders, all of the letters, right? And all of the things. And my husband as well. And I'm very, very passionate as a family's trained coach. at supporting the whole family unit. So we're not just throwing our resources at the child that needs a little bit of extra support. I'm looking at the whole family dynamic, which is why I'm so excited about to talk to you today, because I know this has a big impact and I'd love to share some tips to be able to support families. Yeah, and I'm super excited about today as well. So when it comes in relation to family law, we're talking about before you kind of had sixty, I had kind of like seventy, eighty percent chances of families with children or families that have um, ADHD or, uh, or autism, like, um, within the household that the separation rates, yeah, a lot, you know, between sixty and eighty. So the odds are really stacked against you, which is really, really sad. And, you know, if we can help save a relationship with the caveat being that, you know, everybody's safe and there's no divvy or anything like that, but most relationships can fail because of the frustration in relation to having, you know, having your family, but then having extra things on top of that. So, you know, you mentioned, you know, you've got three boys, they have ADHD, they go, you know, all the letters that can create a whole pile of extra stress on families. So, yeah, when odds are stacked against you, it's really sad to see. So if there are things that we can do to help save a relationship, you know, I would much rather do that than the legal process, believe it or not. People might not believe me, but I really do because most relationships are due to frustration with things like this. So really looking forward to discussing some tips with you. Having said that, even trying to work out what language to use, I found really overwhelming. So I don't necessarily like the term disability or special needs for some reason that just sit a little bit uncomfortable with me. So I was using the term additional needs, and then that raised the topic with us that there are so many different things that it can be called and some things are now no longer considered appropriate. So When you're dealing with ADHD, autism, kids that do may require that additional assistance. What kind of terminology should we be using so as to try to not offend, I suppose? families, people? Yeah, this is a really great question. I'm so glad that you asked it. And I want you to know that even as a collective, you know, I've been in this space for a long time, that we can't even agree of what is offensive and not offensive. So please don't feel like you have to, you know, worry about getting it right all the time. So when we're talking about, we'll use ADHD as an example, ADHD, autism, twice exceptional, even dyslexia falls under the neurodivergent banner. And that simply means like the people that have the typical brain is neurotypical and people with a neurological difference, we're grouping them under being neurodivergent. And so all that means is that they have a neurological difference. And I think when it comes to language, because what we're seeing is people getting offended about different things, I don't really get too worried or caught up in language. I know a lot of people do and it's very important to them, but I don't because what I'm listening for is intent. If you're saying things with an intent to belittle someone or make someone feel bad or less than, then I'm coming after you, right? But if you're saying things, you know, to try and communicate and understand and you've got that pure intent, I don't care what language people use really because I think it's what we're getting, what we need to focus on is that intent piece. And I listen to my children, you know, talk about themselves and how they identify with their own neurological difference. And, you know, it changes from time to time. They're quite comfortable with different things. And as long as the intent is there and people are referring to it with a kind intent, I'm kind of I'm kind of sweet with it. Oh, that's beautiful. I'm going to look at it from that perspective because it's definitely from my perspective. It's not ill intent. It's like I don't, you know, mindful of to not offend, I suppose, by using the wrong term. And because it's an error, I don't have a lot of knowledge because thankfully, unthankfully, it's not something I've had to worry about. But for me, being a lawyer, I think it's definitely something we need to be across because it's going to be really important in relation to if we are dealing with a separation in relation to co-parenting and making sure that the the additional needs required of the kids are taken into account instead of you know a judge going okay well you can see your dad or your mom two weekends a month like that's it like you know that's not necessarily it's probably not going to be good for any child but you know especially when that those additional needs are there I really want to make sure that's taken into account. So it's going to be the best interest of the child. And I think that's really important, especially in these situations. Yeah, and I really want to empower people to just ask the person who is neurodivergent to say, what do you want, how would you like me to refer to you or how would you like me to, you know, to refer, you know, to what's going on for you here or, you know, to your strengths or ask them. Most of them are very, very open to having that discussion with you and it's quite empowering to have people ask you, you know, and ask for your preference. Yeah, yeah, definitely. So today we're hopefully, well, if there is additional stress in your relationship or just maybe in general you could be a single parent or you might be, you know, co-parenting and you want some additional tips in relation to how you can maybe be more on the same page in relation to your kids that maybe have that neurodivergency. Before I go, I'm just going to go back a little bit. So we're talking about separation. being high within families of additional needs. Did you say you had some stats? before I re-jump the gun and go forward again? I think it's important to look at why. So we know that divorce rates, separation rates are higher when you have, we're going to go into my niche here and I'll say ADHD here, but please know that ADHD has a wide spectrum. So whenever we're talking about ADHD or autism or any of the neurological differences, please think about whether it actually applies to you. So I'm going to make some generalisations today. You'll hear me do that for the sake of this podcast, but you always get to be in charge and decide whether that relates to your family or not, because I've never met two people with ADHD who are the same, right? They present differently. They have different strengths, different interests. So I just want to preface it by saying that. But then I think it's important to look at why. Why is separation higher? And, of course, everyone would jump to, well, there's more stress involved. There's more stress. And I get that because ADHD, in essence, is a dysregulated nervous system, which means your frustration tolerance, your stress response is going to be higher, which is going to make relationships a little bit more volatile sometimes if we're not handling stress. But there is other deeper reasons. So we know that the ADHD brain, and I hope you don't mind if I go through some of the reasons why it would be more challenging. Yeah, so let's look at why. So we really have a good basis of understanding. You know, I'm assuming that the person that's listened to this podcast might be on the verge of separation or considering separation and, you know, Sometimes understanding why can allow us to treat it with compassion or it can allow us to have a little bit more leeway or it can empower us with tools to make that right decision for our family. So we know that the ADHD brain is based on novelty, so interest and novelty. The neurotypical brain is based on importance. So now we've got two completely different operating systems. So if you have one partner in the relationship who is positive neurodivergent and has a brain that is wired for interest and novelty versus someone who ranks things on importance now this is a very simplified version we know that there's a lot of other executive function challenges that come along with these things but that in itself can be a very interesting mix because at the start of the relationship what are you you're new You are novel. You are interesting. And what happens when you're not new and novel anymore? You're not as interesting. You're not so interesting. So often the ADHD relationship goes in fast. Like it's like you fall in love hard. You are infatuated. You are almost fixated on that person. You are the hyper focus. And for the other person that is like the subject of this infatuation, they're like, oh, my gosh this is amazing this is everything I ever dreamed of like a romance is here but then that drops off a cliff at some point and the neurotypical person might assume incorrectly that they've the other person's fallen out of love that they're bored of them that they are now looking for love elsewhere whatever and it's literally that interest and novelty component And it actually goes the other way too because the neurotypical person is basing things on importance. So they're sequencing, okay, what's the most important part of our day? What's our priorities? What's our relationship? Blah, blah, blah. Now, then they end up doing a lot of the executive function for the ADHD person there and then pick being bloody resentful about it, assuming that they're lazy, assuming that they're not doing it. Why do I have to always be the parent, blah, blah, blah. And you can see how this could cause a lot of conflict in relationships. It doesn't mean that we can't work around it. And understanding and recognising won't from can't is very, very important here. We also know that phones play a big part in a lot of relationships demise because what have we got in our hands all the time? We've got these dopamine little seeking like quick hits dopamine. They're quite interesting and engaging for the ADHD brain. So we've got one partner talking to the other person while they're just constantly on their phones. And, you know, are you not hearing me? You're not listening. I feel like you don't, you know. all of this stuff plays into it we get parent and child roles happening a fair bit in relationships so one person feeling like the parent one person feeling like that they're being parented and nagged and you know and these can be quite terminal for a lot of relationships. The ADHD symptoms of inattentiveness and impulsiveness can cause a lot more conflict. We know that. And then we have the ADHD tax, which is not handling finances properly. Impulsive spending, classic for me and my husband, he's neurodivergent, is You know, he's like, we've got a budget. We've got a budget, you know, save money, cut down on groceries. We've got to save this. And he's like, oh yeah, but I bought a jet ski. I met a guy on a job site. He had this jet ski going cheap, but I bought that. But you budget, you do that, but I'll buy a jet ski. It's fine. It's fine. Good deal on that one. So these things can add up. And we also know that ADHD is genetic. So ADHD, the neurodivergence often runs in the family. So if you have a parent or both parents that have ADHD, we are likely to have children with ADHD. and that means that um parenting the parenting dynamic changes it is a lot more work we know that parenting a child that has adhd is three times the amount of work than parenting a neurotypical child so not only are these parents up against it in terms of challenges but they are also up against in the amount of work that they're doing they are working harder than every other parent If you're listening to this and you have a child with ADHD or autism and you feel like you're working harder, I just want to honour that. You are. You're working three times harder and you need a certificate and a parade in your honour. And I want you to know that we get that and that's why it's harder. But I also want to flip this now to what are the positives? Why did we fall in love in the first place? I can tell you why I fell in love with my husband. He is, I just never know what he's going to do. I just, I never know. I know, but I find it fascinating. I find the way that his brain works so interesting. Like I just never know what's going to happen next. And I find that absolutely exciting. He is like genius level, like intelligent. He knows how to do things like the way that his brain works. I'm constantly just going, what was that? I don't understand. Like he can, you know, fix a truck with no manual, you know, do all these like, you know, scientific genius stuff that I have no idea how he does that. And also he has a lot of compassion, a lot of kindness. He forgives really easily. um you know all of the things that I often see with adhd they when I do the personality testing or values testing on all of my clients the things that come up consistently high for people with adhd is love of learning so they love to learn new skills and also their sense of fairness and justice they're very very into things being fair And I think that plays out beautifully in relationships when you're talking about, you know, in terms of values. We want things to be fair. And it's beautiful to have a partner who values fairness and justice. It means they often are very great at, you know, being able to take action on causes that are important to them. So there's lots of positives too, but sometimes we've got to be careful that some of those challenges just don't make us forget about all of those. Let's bring those to the surface too. Yeah, I feel like that is a whole other podcast as well in relation to because probably didn't really think of it from that perspective and then that's assuming you know the other person does have adhd I know that being diagnosed um for a female at least in their thirties and their forties is becoming quite common I'm assuming that's because it was maybe thought of as like a boy thing back when we were younger I'm not quite sure we've done but yeah it's Yeah, so you go. Oh, I was going to say, we've done females a terrible disservice. And so in the past, we misdiagnosed. Now, this is a generalization because it can be. We've got three types of ADHD recognized. We've got inattentive, compulsive, no, inattentive, hyperactive and combined. Right. And most people are combined type. But in females, generally, not all the time, because they can really show that hyperactivity gene as well. But when in females, that hyperactivity doesn't tend to show in their body, it shows in their brain. So their body is looking calm, but that hyperactivity is their brain is going a hundred miles an hour. So in the past, we misdiagnosed them as anxiety or we misdiagnosed them as bipolar. And so now, yes, and now we've got all these kids that are getting so much better at picking it up and screening for ADHD. Kids are getting diagnosed and the moms are going, oh, hold on a minute. That was me. This is me. This is me. This is me. And now, you know, it's quite a sad story because they've missed out on intervention. They've missed out on all the support. um and we know that those big life transitions is where the wheels fall off so when they tend to go quite okay like this hyper vigilance of being organized and keeping all the balls in there and then you have kids and that kind of throws everything out and then you might go through menopause and that goes throws everything out so um we really need to do better when it Yeah, like I was thinking before that I had a girlfriend that just got diagnosed with ADHD. Her kids, both her boys have ADHD. I think there could be or I'm a little bit yep there's additional needs there I know I think adhd is at least one and then she'll show me like the like the test I suppose that the doctor made her do and I'm like oh my gosh like yes yes yes yes like I'm going through like oh my gosh I've pretty well got the exact same answers as you so then in my mind I'm like wow that like could make a whole pile of sense like I've just turned forty two so I'm probably fitting into that you know that that age range um so yeah and I guess part of it was also that you know it was shameful to to have a you know ADHD or autism like you were frowned upon because you were different or you know and things and yeah and things like that um but I've also heard as well that there's to appease parents and to appease people that there's an overdiagnosis of ADHD. And I understand that we're veering a little bit, but we will veer back because I think this is all relevant. Like, you know, do you think that ADHD is an overdiagnosis to just go, hey, you want something? Here's some meds. This will, you know, close you, you know, shut you up type thing. And in relation to, you know, seeing whether you do have ADHD, there are tests I believe that you can do online to kind of gauge, because I didn't realise it was three levels either, but, you know, there are tests online that apparently you can do to see whether you possibly do have it and then even trying to get that referral. Like there's massive long wait lists. Like I feel like I've just asked like fifty million questions in that one minute there. But I suppose, yeah, it's, oh, Yeah, I just asked, I'm trying to work out what question to do first, but like, you know what I mean? Like, you know, is there an over-diagnosis? If you think you've got it, you've got wait times that are just blown out like how can that all be managed because that would also really um go to to stress in a relationship because you you know you and if you're too you know you feel you're too embarrassed to tell your partner hey I have adhd and then you're spiraling out of control because you might not be the one that's giving the affection or they're trying to give an affection and you know someone's checked out like There's so many things, right? So many things. Oh, there's so many things. And, you know, it is a bit of an overwhelmed system at the moment. And I would say like statistically in Australian classrooms today, we've got about five kids with ADHD, right? So it's a pretty common neurodivergence, like neurological difference. um and we know that you know the if you have adhd you're also more likely to have autism or even be gifted you know like you there's a whole host of things that go along with it um but I think that In terms of being overdiagnosed, I'm not really worried about that. I would still say we're chronically underdiagnosed because in the previous generations, we just didn't know, we didn't have the screening that we do now. So we now have really, really good screenings. Of course, yes, do some things on the internet, but really the person that you need to see if you're an adult is a psychiatrist who has experience with ADHD. The testing that they go through is actually quite vigorous. I wouldn't, and how much executive function does it take to book all those appointments? You've got to go to the GP first, you've got to go to referral, you've got to make it to all those appointments. Like, that's almost a test in itself for people with ADHD to get to those things, to get all this stuff done. And also, I want to also say that the, that in its in of itself you know medication is is one of the tools that you can have for adhd but it's not the only tool we know that adhd is a this is a spectrum same with autism it's a spectrum um so I want to really open the conversation about that and say that there's a whole host of different tools what I do as an adhd coach is really equip people with tools to be able to uh support their executive function challenges. We know with ADHD that there are certain executive function impairments that come along with that. And I see those like skills that you can, that muscles that you can build. And so you've got to have the right systems. It's not about trying to force them into a neurotypical system, like just, you know, do that. We want to have really customized systems for the ADHD brain. And we know, The great bit is we know so much more about it now. We know we're learning more every day. And so if you think that you might be neurodivergent, there's no harm in going and just getting it you know get going through the testing and checking it out because you're unlikely to walk out of there with a diagnosis if you aren't neurodivergent like it's just too thorough and I also want to say that the facts that we are absorbing about autism and adhd say from tick tock we've seen this massive big um spike in you know oh I've lost my wallet I must have adhd oh I've done this like I must have adhd on tick tock and all this Now, America did a study last year about the facts of ADHD on TikTok. Fifty percent were incorrect. Just be careful where you're getting your information from. And if you are going to see an ADHD coach, make sure they are ICF credentialed. They've done ADHD specific training. Anyone can call themselves a coach. Doesn't mean they've done anything. We want to make sure that we're getting out information from the right professionals because otherwise there's just a whole lot of, you know, interesting information out there that isn't really verified. So go to that psychiatrist, get that proper process and, you know, you're unlikely to walk out of there with an incorrect diagnosis, I can tell you that. Yeah, and don't be ashamed of it either. No. You know, you said that there's many, you know, you often think about the cons of things and not the pros. Like, you know, that can be your superpower. You know, you are who you are because of those additional gifts that you may or may not have. So, yeah. yeah so yeah that was absolutely great awesome thank you very much for for that I know I just slammed like a pile of stuff at you feel like we're gonna have to at least do it like another podcast but to get back on topic so I had said before I'm the lawyer that would like to save a relationship. KVIT is obviously domestic violence. If it's not safe to do so, I probably wouldn't recommend that you do that. But one of the questions we ask when clients come into us and say they're separating, are we definitely done? Is there anything we can do? We'll ask for like the cause of the separation because that can come into play, whether it's cheating, whether it's addiction, whether it's, you know, whatever it might be. I feel that is useful for us to know and know and not a lawyer's do that but we do that um so you know say that it is that stress say that you might be adhd yourself when you have children who do actually first of all to go back a bit what would a tip be if you have a child so let's just go with a typical two child family if you have a child who has adhd or those you know those neurodivergent needs and a child who is not, do you have tips in relation to how to not make the child who who doesn't have ADHD feel that they are lesser because they may not be getting the attention of, like, their sibling. Does that make sense? Any tips for that? Yes, yeah. Well, and this actually goes into a classroom tip as well because as a family coach I tend to – can I tell you a little bit about my story about why I became a coach because I think it plays into this – So when I spoke to my husband when we got married and I spoke to him about his ADHD and him growing up, So he knew he had ADHD? Oh, yeah. Someone across the street can tell it's my husband. He's very hyperactive in presentation. He's absolutely amazing. He's a powerhouse, right? And so he had an awful time growing up with ADHD. He was misunderstood. Like this is the eighties and nineties. Like this is not our best work in ADHD, right? He was banned from the classroom. They used to just get him to do odd jobs around the school because he was He had lots of fighting and aggression and bullying. Yeah, it was traumatic. He never got invited to a birthday party. It was just socially isolated. Awful. And so we went on to have our first child. And I was looking at my gorgeous little boy knowing that he was very similar to my husband, like the same body movement. I don't know. It was just, you could just see it from very early on and thinking, oh, I'm not going to have him have that same trauma that my husband did. How can I spare him from this? Because so I got to work and I started learning everything I could about ADHD and really absorbing everything I could in hopes to spare my child from some of that trauma. And so I became a woman obsessed. I was, like, trialling everything, running weird experiments on my household. In between that, I had two other kids also having ADHD as well. And I would do all these weird experiments and, like, they'd come into a room and it would be minimalist and then I'd document their reactions and then I'd come and be all cluttered and I'd document their reactions. And one day they're going to write a terrible book about me called New Stuff Mum Made Us Do. And it was just... It was made with love. Yeah, it's love. It's love. They're going to shame me about it. on a podcast of their own. But what I was trying to do is trying to experiment and trying to find different ways of working out. And where that comes back to your question is I was focusing all my attention on the child with ADHD. So at that stage, we had my first son diagnosed, and we threw thirty thousand dollars at every single therapy, neurofeedback, psychology, like everything. We were doing everything, all the special diets. We were doing every single thing that I could to support my eldest son. because the other two didn't have a diagnosis at that time. Now, what I learned is when we focus, all those things really help to a certain degree, but our home life still sucked. It sucked. It was awful. I was crying every afternoon. I used to have to psychologically prepare myself to walk back in the door because it was just so chaotic and so awful. And I got sick and I burnt myself out and it was just horrendous. And we were desperately looking for answers. We were like just trying and everywhere we got met with brick walls because ADHD doesn't attract any extra funding or support or schools. It's just a nightmare the way we handle and support ADHD in this country. And So what I learned is that when we focus all our attention and strategies on the child or the family member with ADHD, it doesn't work. It burns everybody out. It's no good for anyone. But what we do is when we look at it from a family unit perspective, I don't care about what other family's doing, what Joe down the street's doing. I care about what my family's doing. What are we doing in line with our values? When we looked at it as a complete unit, That's when we started having success. And the beautiful thing is once you learn about the ADHD brain or you learn about the brain with autism is that when we support, when we create systems, and I'll tell you my favourite quote in a minute, but when we... When we create systems that work for the individual with ADHD, they tend to work very well for neurotypical people too. This same in the classroom. When we make accommodations for kids with ADHD, and I know our beautiful teachers, if you're listening to this, they're working so hard, right? And when we make accommodations for the child with ADHD, it tends to benefit the whole class. But when we create systems that are focused on neurotypical people, only the neurotypical people benefit. So this is why it's important to look at the family unit and not just focus on the individual. So my answer to your question is when you've got a child that's neurotypical and a child with neurodivergence, it tends to, if we roll out a strategy or we roll out a system, we roll it out across the board because no strategy actually is a disadvantage to that neurotypical child. It tends to lift everybody up. And we know that we need to have, regardless of whether your children are neurotypical or neurodivergent, we need to have one-on-one time to connect with our kids. So whether that be just that short, twenty minute little burst of like of, you know, going for a milkshake or having those little connection points, because our kids are connection kids. They're always going to do more for people that they're connected with. And so, you know, having that little balance to have time. Like I know if we go out as a family and there's three kids and that's going to need a full-scale military deployment at this point in time, right? But one-on-one, I can really connect and really hear what my kids are having to say and really have that opportunity for connection, which is so, so important. So knowing that about your family, taking some of the load off, so having a little bit of time with your neurotypical child, having a little bit of time with your neurodivergent child, keeping it nice and even because our sense of fairness and justice is high, right? And, you know, having those, it doesn't have to be a weekend away, just those little twenty minute little moments to soften some of that load. Because at the end of the day, raising kids is hard. Parenting is hard. Raising kids with additional needs is harder. And so we need to be able to balance and soften out some of those edges too. So I hope that answers your question there. No, it does. I was even thinking, I'm like, yeah, I really need to do like one-on-one with my own kids. I'm knocking them like, yeah, no, it's been a bit slack with that, but they're on school holidays next week so I can schedule that in then. But it was really interesting to hear. So, you know, for a child, and again, I'm sorry, I'm using my terminology only because I'm still learning about it, you know, how to, you know, if you have a child that has ADHD and a child that doesn't, trying to put a routine in place for the child that does have ADHD, that is the routine of the child that doesn't have like it's not going to it's across the board and it's going to be no it's not going to work it's going to be stressful they're going to rebel it you know it's going to be horrible and I suppose that's a form of like segregation as well you're kind of separating you know how you treat you know possibly each child but to to hear that you know the routine that you have for your child that has ADHD or the additional needs will most likely fit into the routine with your other children and the family as a whole. I suppose, I don't know where I've got it from. I hadn't thought of it that way. I know that probably sounds really dumb, but, you know, because I do have friends that, you know, have children with additional needs. Some of them are on a child, you know some of them have have siblings and for me I guess I've always seen it's always about the child that has those additional needs um and that's not parent that's not saying like they're bad parents or anything like that either it's just I suppose that's what I've seen for me and to know that you know there probably isn't such a big gap between the routine that you might have for the child with ADHD and you know the rest of the family members that don't have it's you know, good to hear that, you know, you're highly likely going to be able to blend the two together to make that experience a whole lot, you know, a whole lot less stressful. And to have that one-on-one time with your kids, whether, you know, you go for that milkshake or you take them to that movie or, you know, you have that quality TV time with them or whatever. And, you know, as you said, going out is a whole other experience as well. If you're going out for tea or for a barbecue or something like that, you know, But, yeah, I'm hoping that it was definitely helpful for me. I'm sure that people listening, they'll find that really helpful in just knowing that, you know, don't try and cram a routine into your child that has ADHD that's not suitable for that child because it's probably not going to work. But, you know, they're probably going to rebel. But to go the other way and to know that, you know, we are still a family. You know, these are our values. This is, you know, what we do. I think that's absolutely beautiful and I could definitely see that would be an approach to try and lessen the stress, the additional stress that you might have within a household and even trying to remember, as you said, there are many beautiful traits that you have with your husband and your kids and sometimes that's easier to forget than you know if you have all that negative thrown at you each day so um yeah just changing that routine to kind of suit the family as a whole um is really beautiful um do you have any other tips in relation to I mean um you know you have your program and your membership and everything that is coming at the moment if people want to learn more we'll chat about that towards the end but do you have you know maybe you're in between the stages of waiting to get in to see a psychiatrist or, you know, you might be in the early stages of trying to get a diagnosis. Do you have any tips for those people who may not have that experience with it yet and trying to, you know, learn other words and do other things? What are some tips in relation to just, yeah, people that might be starting out in the early stages of getting their kids diagnosed or maybe even adult? This is probably still relevant for adults, you know, getting diagnosis. Well, I think that first I want to say, like, do not be scared of the label, right? Like I know that you were talking about that shame component that we had in the years gone by. That is kind of going. It's not completely gone. I'd love to flush that one down the toilet. But like that shame thing is going because now we are honouring that shame what a boring world it would be if we all had the same neurotype right like if we yeah there was no one that was like look at all the amazing people with different brains that we have that are celebrities and they're doing incredible things and uh you know innovating such incredible things that that is mind-blowing for the rest of us um that we don't want to be afraid of the label anymore we want to and it's been my experience that as parents we shouldn't be afraid of the label because uh I work with a lot of adults with adhd and they before they might say to me oh my parents got I was diagnosed when I was seven but my parents didn't tell me about it or um yeah that's you know this is all this uh trauma that happened yeah special time uh and You know, it's been my experience that when we don't give the label of ADHD or ASD, people give themselves labels and they're way more damaging than those other labels. Okay. So they call themselves lazy. They call themselves stupid. They call themselves, you know, all sorts of things. I would much rather have the label of ADHD or ASD. I would much rather have that label than lazy and stupid and, you know, and the stupid has potential on everyone's report card. Let's get rid of that. Yeah. So I don't think we should be afraid of the label. I think we should celebrate the label and we should really go in with a strength-based approach. We know that the beautiful ADHD brain has like really incredible strengths and we want their quick processes. They cycle through emotion fast. They are often very, very good in an emergency situation. Like how many paramedics do I work with? How many doctors and nurses do I work with? Like they are good and they are the people that you want in the crisis, right? We need these people to support, you know, to be there and show us their gifts. So go in with that strength based approach. So if you know, if you have a child with ADHD or you suspect they have ADHD, you know, be talking about what their strengths are often because they get so many negative, so much negative feedback and corrections from the world. Lots of stuff that put that down. Why did you do that? All of that stuff. we're not going to be talking about potential because we're we're a different we're on a different operating system we're going to be talking about all the things that they do naturally well we're going to lean into that heart and we do that in ADHD coaching we really look at what a person is good at and then try and pull that across into things that they're struggling with because it's much easier to establish systems around that and then my second tip is to So don't be afraid of the label. Go in and get the go through the process. Celebrate the strength. And to know that there's this whole kind of feeling that you can just try harder out of ADHD. And it makes me want to vomit. It's this try harder concept. Like it's kind of implying that the ADHD, some of the... Yeah, they're not trying, right? And I can tell you that every single person with ADHD that I see is trying way harder than anyone gives them credit for. And so I really like the saying, you don't need to try harder. You're trying hard enough, but we need to try differently. So what we want to do as a family and, you know, trying to make this our family motto that we do things a little bit differently and that's okay. right so we're going to do things that suit us as our operating system we're going to do things in line with our values we don't have to worry about what everyone else is doing we're not comparing our family with other people's because we need to try differently and we need to honor what that looks like for the adhd brain or the asd brain um and I really want to My favourite quote, which I mentioned before, is when you're working, you know, when you have a family that has extra needs, and I love this quote so much, I think I'm going to get it tattooed across my forehead one day, is the James Clear quote, which says, we do not rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems, okay? Now, the reason that I love this so much is, number one, because I'm a systems queen. I love creating systems for people with ADHD, right? because I find it so empowering. We can have all these goals. Oh, I want to do this one day. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And they're goals and they're great, right? That's really cool. I think it's lovely to have goals. A lot of people with ADHD find goals a little bit triggering, but I think it's great to have goals and dreams. But I also think what we want to do is know that where to focus our energy is not on goal setting, is on systems. Create systems and scaffolding that works with your brain because that's where you fall to. so we can make goals for for when everything's perfect I'll be happy when I'll create this like I'll do this when um but that when that we know we're always we're living an intense life right that might not ever come so what we want is we want systems that we fall to systems that when things aren't going well that pick us up and support us what systems that work uniquely for whatever your family is doing for whatever your relationship is doing that's where we want to focus our energy systems So a good idea is to have a look at where your family is experiencing friction, where your relationship is experiencing friction. That's where you throw your energy. So if there's, you know, your child is having trouble brushing their teeth and you know that they're going to throw that friction point at you every single day and there's going to be a major meltdown. You know, that's where we go, okay, we know this is a friction point. We need a system around it. We need a bit of scaffolding around it. How can we try differently? What is this going to look like? And so, you know, putting your energy there is my number one tip. And whether you need support with a properly trained ADHD coach or whether you need support that extra support to create those systems for those practical life skills things, because everyone talks about meltdowns with ADHD or ASD. Everyone talks about meltdowns, but it's been my experience that that's not what burns relationships out. That's not what burns families out. We tend to handle those pretty well, actually. um the everyday grind everyday friction everyday uh little bits of tension that we face that's what burns you out those are the things that we need systems around uh to to support and save these families because we know that they're up against it um so let's put our energy where it's needed yeah and you're not going to fix everything overnight and I kind of kind of when you're saying like the friction I kind of like the bottlenecks like what's the bottleneck in my business that's stopping us from doing the next best you know thing and like the friction's the same so if you know there's going to be um you know a tense moment every night or every morning when the teeth are going to get brushed much easier is your life going to be if you keep trying different techniques on especially with the first thing in the morning because that's pretty well how you're going to dictate your day right so right okay well the most frustrating thing at the moment or the thing I'm going to you know lose my mind over is like brushing teeth cool what can we what can we change to make this process different do I need to I know there's like sensory toothbrushes like do we need to look for something like that there's you know do we I'm sure there's other options out there. The century toothbrush is anything that comes to my mind or, you know, brushing hair, you know, there's special hair brushes and stuff like, you know, for detangling and stuff like that. Is that an issue? And as you said, it's, it's all those little things that just keep adding up, adding up, adding up until the point like where you explode. So yeah, Even for families that don't have, like, ADHD, you know, brushing teeth or doing hair or I know my kids used to hate, one child used to hate me doing her hair and every morning it was like, just have to brush your hair for school, you know. But if you start dealing with all those little small things, that's, you know... it's going to make your day a lot easier. It's like, yay, cool, I've had a win for that. Like what's, you know, what's the next thing? Is it, you know, is it dinner? Is it, you know, is it eating? Is it packing lunch? Is it getting dressed? Is it, you know, whatever it might be, those little wins will add up and that's going to make a big difference to your child, to your family, to your self-esteem because you're having those little, you know, you're ticking those little wins off. um yeah so I think that's relevant across really any family not just kids with adhd um some of that did come to mind when you're talking about like you know routines for your family so how or is there a tip if your child was invited to a birthday party or a sleepover how do you approach that do you let you know the parent know that you know your child has adhd or they you know um you know because you obviously you know your husband was left out of all that stuff so you don't want that happening with your own child how do you approach birthday parties and sleepovers um Yeah. How do you approach them? So thinking about birthday parties, I mean, it's awesome that your child is being invited, right? And we want to set them up for success for it. And this is going to be very variable based on the child. And I really want to empower parents to honour what Like we want to put our kids in situations where they shine. And that's not going to be this for everyone. Like we've got children just like adults. Some of us are introverts. Some of us are extroverts. Some of us can do really well with the sensory input of a party. Some of us can't. And that's okay. I've almost had like lost it in those play centres myself. You know, it's really overwhelming. So we want to put our children in areas where we know that they shine. So it tends to be ADHD. It tends to be outside, active, you know, like some sensory components there. But so firstly looking at that and if it's an area that if it's in a location or at the time of day or something that you suspect your child isn't going to shine with that and you know your child better than I do, then maybe going along for part of it or going along with them to be able to support them, keeping the rest of the day quite quiet or neutral before we go to that party, which we know is going to be a sensory leap. Using social stories, so looking up the place on the website, showing them. We know the ADHD brain is an anxious brain, so showing them what it's going to look like when they get there, talking about how long it's going to take to get there, printing out some pictures of it, you know, so that they don't get there and it's just a shock to their system. This is what happens when... Yeah, they're familiar with the surrounding, talking to them what to do if it gets overwhelming, like maybe we can go to the bathroom, run our hands under the cold water. Having cold water is a really good sensory, like it just brings it all down a little bit. So really talking them through, asking our kids, like our kids are so clever. they know exactly what they need to do in these situations. They can't think of it. They can't access it when they're dysregulated. So asking them before, you know, what do you want me to do if this happens? What would you like me to, you know, is there any way that we can support you if this happens? They know. They'll be like, oh, no, I just need to have, like maybe I need to look at photos on your phone or something like that to just regulate a little bit. But so knowing where your child shines, that really is helpful because every child has areas that they tend to do very well in. uh and so we're going to lean towards those things and if it's a situation where your child you anticipate that your child might not shine then you might want to prepare that you will do a hasty exit if it doesn't work out um so you can say to the parent like to the parent who's hosting the party like we're going to come along for a little while I just want to let you know my child has additional needs um we're going to come along see how we do and I don't want you to be offended if we need to do a quick exit I would be perfectly fine with the parent letting me know that And also I'm a big fan of letting other parents know that what's going on. Because I think that when parents know, they treat it with compassion. And if they don't, I don't want to be at their stupid party anyway. So it's fine. So I will always be like letting people know and giving people the information of what they need for my child to succeed. Yeah. Most of the time, sometimes our children can really surprise us as well. We can think, oh, this is going to be really hectic. But then when we get there, they do well because most kids with ADHD love new novelty and sensory input. But if you have a sensory-avoiding child, then we might need to make some accommodations for that. We might need to have a little break, go for shorter time limits or whatever. um so in terms of sleepovers I'm not a big fan of the sleepover and my parents will probably my kids will probably hate me for that forever I don't like it because I tend to keep my play dates uh two to three hour windows and it's been my experience that you get your the kids best self for two to three hours and then after that it goes a little bit lord of the flies yeah and so um So I try to keep it short. Everyone's doing their best work. We're taking risks, but it's, you know, calculated risks. After that time, like I was watching a play date that we had here on the weekend and they were jumping off the rock into the pool and it was going really well. And then by the third hour, we're getting a bit sloppy with our jump. Like it was a bit, bit more edgy. And so I'm calling it then. Now, sleepovers also in terms of there's lots more safety risks, there's a lot more anxiety that happens at nighttime. It can just be a trickier thing to navigate. So unless you're sure or perhaps family is a better choice, but unless you're sure that your child can shine in that situation, just cut it out I wouldn't I wouldn't I think it's a lot to expect from a child when they're tired and we know that if we're talking transitions um uh people who are neurodivergent can have different we call it transition cash but like they their brain struggles to to switch tasks and and and change and we're asking a lot from our kids to switch all day they switch from tasks all day switch locations all day and it all has a cost by the end of the day you've It's harder. Yeah, they're tired of those transitions that are harder to do. So you're not really putting them in a situation where they can shine. They tend to be better at that in the morning. So, you know, having that safety in that evening is a nice thing to come back to. Would you control sleepovers at your house? So having the opposite or pretty well same thing? Yeah. I love it. Yeah, I mean, I might just be selfish about it because, you know, I've set up with a few kids like two o'clock in the morning and, you know, called different parents and things like that. But I just don't think they need. I don't think it adds anything. It's kind of like when you go out on the town as adults. I know that nothing like you can go to dinner, you can have a few drinks and then nothing good happens after ten o'clock. Right. It's more of the same. People just get drunker and a little bit crazier and it's like and like. know and a bit more aggressive so I I would you can you feel like you can customize it and cut things off based on whatever your family is that whatever allows them to shine because I don't want to put them in a position um that they're not going to shine now a good example of that is and like aside from sleepovers and play dates is supermarket shopping my family is We're not our best selves in the supermarket shop. It doesn't work out for us. There's fluorescent lighting. There's lots of noises. There's lines. There's a whole host of things that are not going to set my family up for success. So I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to order online. I'm not going to. continually put them in that situation and hope that it's going to be different that time I'm going to have a different system I'm going to order online I'm going to have a reoccurring check that I'm going to get delivered to my house now if you do see me in there something's gone wrong and it's an emergency that's fine right I'm going to I'll deal with that and I'll be flexible when it comes up but it's not going to be something that I'm going to continually put my kids in that position and expect something different I already know I've got evidence for that it is not a happy time for my family yeah It's a hard no for that one. And I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to spend my energy or my kids' transition cash on that one. I'll spend it on something way more fun and way more cool than that. Yeah, and it's good, like, when you were talking about that before, so I don't know whether Woolworths does it. I know Coles have, like, an hour or two where, again, I'm not trying to offend you because I'm probably going to use the wrong wording, but it's, like, between, like, ten to twelve or something where they, like, dim the lights and I think they can the music. And so, you know, that's – it's a sign that I suppose that – I'm not aware of anybody else that does. I just know that Coles does. I guess I thought there was something wrong with their lighting when I first saw it. But they're acknowledging that this could be a hard time for people. As you said, you probably do click and collect or delivery or something if that's not where you're going to shine. it's been recognized as a suppose as hey okay so if you need to come in where our lights are going to be dim we're going to have no music and I'm not sure what else they do you know it's safe to come in between here and here if it's a quick grab if it's you know whatever it might be so um yeah I think that's really really good um so we're nearly up to an hour so god like we just keep talking So I suppose to start to wrap up, do you have any other tips? So we've kind of spoken about sleepovers, having one neurodivergent child with another. Is there a really surefire tip that you can finish us off with? in relation to trying to keep the harmony I know that some of the things you've said I could see me implementing in my family just you know you know if your kids get hyped up it's and as you said you can't kind of you know regulate your emotions if you get you know stressed or something what would you like me to do so when that opportunity happens you're like cool all right so here it is so you know I think most of these tips work regardless of whether you have adhd or not but In the bit of trying to save a relationship, do you have a last surefire tip, whether that's looking at um you know you know reflecting on maybe the pros of the day you know so you know the wins of yeah so we had successful brushing our teeth you know just instead of trying to focus on the negatives just anything that you want to mention before we wrap up today yeah I love that I've got like three little tips if that's okay yeah just another hour what have we got people can pause it and start again it's all good I was just thinking about that emotional component, right? And, you know, the dynamics that often happens is we've got one parent, one parent, one person in the relationship, you know, being doing the executive function and kind of the other person being perceived as getting nagged. And, you know, like so one of the one of the strategies that really quickly that tends to work really well is we have a shared note in our notes and our phone. So you do this collaborate function on your notes. where we put tasks right and I put because I'm the organizer yeah that hasn't become clear through this podcast I don't know what has so I'm the organizer and so I put the list that the things that I know my husband could do to help right and we have an arrangement because I'm not going to nag him about it I'm not his mum I'm not going to nag him about it uh so we have an arrangement that those things can sit there for four weeks if they don't get done on that four weeks I put them on airtasker okay now that thing has that one little tool of having a we agreed on this this is not me telling him what I'm going to do because I I don't know if anyone's noticed but people with any hd usually hate being told what to do this is an agreed system we don't come in and tell them they like we asked for their advice and we asked them to collaborate with us um so we've got a system I put things on the list if that thing doesn't get done then that's fine I'm going to respect that I'm putting out air tasker but he has to pay for it so it's fine you know so it's a good system um and then the other one was is that you know we tend to get really caught up people with adhd process emotions fast they feel things in the extreme so they feel anger in the extreme they feel happiness in the extreme like everything they cycle through things really really quickly And in relationships, we tend to hold on to those. And so we might see the anger and we might see that explosion and we might see that extreme sadness or whatever, whatever they're cycling through. And we take it and we hold it and we make it a piece of our relationship. I don't want people to do that. because they cycle things through things so much quicker. And so we just let it pass. You don't need to take it. You don't need to make their emotion a part of you. You don't need to hold on to your partner's anything. You let them cycle through things and it doesn't mean anything about you. Like my husband can completely lose it over something. And then two seconds later, he's like, oh yeah, no, that's over now. I've forgotten about that, right? So what we want to do is when you have ADHD in the relationship, just let them cycle through it. It goes quickly. The good news is that they cycle through emotions fast. And so you just let it pass. You don't have to get involved. You don't have to, like, just let it process. And I see that that is quite a toxic thing for a lot of relationships. It breeds contempt because the other party, whether they're neurodivergent or neurotypical, they... grab that emotion and they make it mean something about themselves but really it's just their nervous system cycling through whatever it is so just honor that let it go don't make it mean anything about you because I can guarantee you like fifteen minutes down the track they're like oh yeah no that was like fifteen minutes ago and I've forgotten about that and now I'm fine and so that's okay don't make it mean anything and then the other my very last tip uh for our beautiful couples that are you know perhaps stuck in some of the hardships of this is to bring it back to laughter always. One of the things that I think my relationship does well, and it doesn't do a lot of things well, but one of the things that it does well is we laugh a lot. We laugh at ourselves. We laugh at our ridiculousness. We just laugh, right? And if you can bring things back to laughter and laugh at the ridiculousness the truly outrageous things that go on in my house that you would, if you can have a giggle about it, maybe not in the heat of the moment but later once you've cycled through that and you can giggle together, that will bring you back together. If that laughter goes, if that laughter is, if you stop laughing, it's very hard to come back together again. Exactly. Yeah. So laugh. Enjoy it. It's a short time having a partner with ADHD. It's a wild ride. You never know what you're going to get, right? But it's interesting and it's exciting and it's a roller coaster. And embrace it. Yeah, embrace it. Embrace neurological difference. Embrace different brains. And we don't want everyone to think like us. just because we do one thing well they might do something else well so honor that do the do the things that you guys do well um because how boring if I couldn't I couldn't have a relationship with someone with a brain like me I mean we'd get a lot done right but it would be so boring it'd be so boring but I'd be very efficient uh yeah and you can look back to what you're doing too right so you know the kids kids aren't silly so you know if they see you you know, making it work and laughing and, you know, doing the positive things. That's just going to reflect positively on your kids. So when they grow up and start having relationships, you know, they've got, you know, they've seen how it's done, I suppose. So I've absolutely loved today. I feel like there is another one or two because there's many other things that have come to mind as we've been talking today. But if there are people that would like to work with you direct, as you said, anybody can call themselves a coach. And you certainly do have the qualifications to help beautiful families through this transition or even adults through this transition. So if people would like to reach out to you, we'll have your details below as well. But what can you offer to help families through their transition What am I looking for? Supporting their family dynamics. Yeah, that's it. Yep, I've got nothing. So you can have a look at thefunctionalfamily.com. We've got lots of free resources on there. We've got a free support group called ADHD and Families on Facebook. I think there's like fourteen thousand members in there. I think I'm well over thirty five thousand families that I've supported now. So if you have ADHD in the family and you're looking for support, stop trying to do it alone. It's like you've got to try differently. Right. So what we want to do is really empower people to try it differently. uh and you know really honor the more you learn about adhd the more exciting it is and the more you can treat it with compassion and and you know see all the amazing things that comes along with it and uh I've got a membership where we empower people with you know, tools and practical tools and anything that saves time and capacity. I've got a program for parents of primary school age kids. We've got different and different private coaching things happening and lots of podcasts as well, ADHD Families podcast, go and listen to that. But really it's about getting into the community, surrounding yourself by other people that understand what you're going through and understand the amazingness and some of the challenges as well. So you can have that support. so that we can have a happy, enjoyable, functional, crazy life together, right? That's what it's about. Yeah, and reduce the, you know, the sixty, seventy, eighty percent chances of separation to, you know, Sipping that way down and your support. That's not just Australia based. That's like international as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for today. I've absolutely loved it. And I definitely think there are some takeaways, whether you have neurodivergency in the family or not. I know there's definitely things that I've taken away from that. So thank you very much, Sharon, for joining me today. Thank you for having me. Thank you.
