Welcome back to the show. So today's episode is one we feel is more relevant than ever. And to be honest, it's one of the most important conversations we can have at the moment. And we are talking about coercive control. And in Australia, coercive control is now a standalone criminal offence in New South Wales, Queensland, and it's coming soon to the ACT. Now, if you've been scrolling through the World Wide Web lately, you've probably seen these words popping up everywhere. But there's a reason for that. So with new laws, it's changing how we define abuse and it's moving away from just physical violence. And it's also looking at the invisible cage that gets built around a person over time. And today we're asking the question, how do you know if you are in a coercive controlled relationship? Because here is the thing, coercive control doesn't usually start with a scream or a hit. It starts with a suggestion. It starts with somebody caring. It starts with a partner who is so into you they want to be involved in every single micro decision of your life. And I want you to think about your daily life for a moment. Do you find yourself rehearsing how to tell your partner you're going to get a coffee with a friend? Do you feel a spike of anxiety when your phone buzzes because you know it's them checking in for the fifth time today? Common questions right now are often about boundaries. And we see people asking, my partner says it's their boundary that I don't wear certain clothes or I don't talk to certain people. Is that a boundary? Let's get one thing straight today. A boundary is something that you set for yourself. Control is something someone else sets for you. So in this episode, we're going to break down something we call the boiling frog syndrome, how the heat gets turned up so slowly you don't even realise that you're losing your freedom until the door is locked. We'll talk about financial transparency, that's actually financial sabotage, and why sharing locations for safety can sometimes be a digital leash. So if you've been feeling that you've been walking on eggshells in your own home or you feel like you've slowly disappeared from your own life, this episode is definitely for you. And you are not crazy. You are not sensitive. And you are definitely, unfortunately, you are not alone because there are many, many people who are in this situation and we're here to help. So how does it actually start? Because nobody walks into a relationship on day one and says, yes, please, monitor my bank account and tell me who I can't text. It generally starts with something we call love bombing. This is the phase where they are so into you. They might want to spend every single second with you. They might say, I've never felt this way before or it's us against the world. then comes a shift it's subtle and it's a no it's a guilt trip and sorry it's not a no it's a guilt trip so are you really going out with him or her again i thought we're going to have a quiet night in i just worry when you wear that i don't want men or women looking at you the wrong way Soon you find yourself changing your behaviour just to keep the peace. You stop seeing that friend because it's easier than dealing with the argument later. That is the first bar of the cage being installed. I want to give you five questions to ask yourself right now. If you're listening in the car or on a walk, just sit with these. You don't need to answer them out loud or write them down. Do you feel like you need to ask permission for basic adult things like spending twenty dollars, going to the gym or changing your hair? When you're away from your partner, do you feel like they are still watching you? Do you check your phone with a sense of dread, wondering if you've missed a text or a call and what the consequences of that will be? Is your world getting smaller? Have you lost friends, hobbies or even your career because it caused too much friction at home? Does your partner demand access to your passwords, your location or your private messages in the name of honesty or transparency? Are you exhausted, not from work, but from the mental labour of managing your partner's mood so they don't get set off? I want to address a big myth here. A lot of people think he, she doesn't hit me, so it's not abuse. In the past few years, the law and psychology have finally caught up to the truth. The bruises on the mind take much longer to heal than the bruises on the skin. Coercive control is a pattern. It is the cumulative effect of a thousand tiny cuts to your autonomy. If you feel like you've lost the version of yourself that existed before this relationship, the confident, social, independent version, that is a massive red flag. If you're listening to this and your heart is racing because it sounds too familiar, then please continue to listen. Please do not go home and confront a controlling partner with the phrase, you are coercively controlling me. In many cases, this can escalate the danger because you are challenging their power. Instead, this could be your action plan. Trust your gut. If it feels like control, it probably is. You don't need proof to feel unsafe. Reconnect in secret. Reach out to one person you trust, a sibling, an old friend, a doctor. Just tell them, I feel like I'm being controlled and I'm scared. Document safely. If it's safe, keep a digital diary that they can't access. Use a hidden app or a cloud account they don't know about. Seek professional guidance. Reach out to a domestic violence service. They're experts in non-physical abuse and can help you make a safety plan without your partner even knowing. You deserve a partner, not a warden. You deserve to be seen and not watched. We'll put links to the support services in the show notes. Please stay safe. I hope this has helped. And remember, your life belongs to you. Thank you for listening and please share this with your community as you don't know who needs it. And as always, we'll be back next week. Take care.
