Okay, just waiting for the timer to start again. I really need to fix up my floor, don't I? I'll do my best to pack these away today. You know what, I probably don't need that. Oh, what was that? That one will get ripped. All right. I think that one I probably get rid of too. Oops. All right. hey there and welcome back to the podcast so today's episode is a pretty honest one i mean they're always pretty honest um but um i wanted to talk about something that i don't think anyone really prepares you for and i definitely wasn't prepared for when i started my journey and i referred to it the other day as the post treatment blues so And I refer to it the other day as a post-treatment blues. So I'm not calling it depression. I'm not calling it falling apart. I reference it as meh. Like I don't have any other words other than meh. And if you've been through cancer or an illness doesn't have to be through cancer. That's obviously just what what my journey is, or if you're going through it or you are supporting someone, I think this part matters just as much as the treatment part itself. So for me, treatment wasn't just one thing. I mean, it was a massive blur. But I had chemo, I had external radiation, and then I had internal radiation with brachytherapy. Now I've got immunotherapy for two years. That's not including the scans, the bloods and the appointments and everything else in between all of that either. And, you know, when people say you're done, it's like get over it, you know, go back to the normal. I don't think it's always that simple and it shouldn't be because parts of it might be done. but you are still very much in it and you were in it for a very long time if not a lifetime and you know during treatment i found this bit of a a strange rhythm you you just show up every day like that's what you have to do because So some days you might feel okay. Some days you feel like you are going to vomit and piss your pants and shit your pants all at once and, you know, possibly even completely fall apart. And that's all at the same time. But you still have to go because there is a schedule that you have to keep. There's a plan and there's that next step. And weirdly, that structure really did carry me throughout the few months that I was in treatment. But it's now where I feel probably a little bit lost. But then, you know, you have the waiting rooms where you're sitting there. And there are some people who are younger. There are some people who have been pregnant in there. There are some people who are the same age, older than you. There are people who are clearly like really, really unwell. And there are people who look really unwell. You know, some people have physically ill in the waiting room why are you getting treatment there's no one smiling there's no one making small talk there's no one saying hello it's just like everyone is holding it together in their own world and you can really feel that when you walk into the room And then for me, obviously, I got through the bulk of my treatment. But then, you know, you might find that your treatment changes or it slows down or parts of it finish. It's not full on as what it used to be. And then when that happened, I think everyone kind of expects that you feel better and you just, you know, how you work, treatment's done. you know get over it you know there's there are no side effects but for me I think when the bulk of my treatment had finished that's where this different feeling seems to have crept in and again the best way I can describe it is just meh um I don't call myself depressed I'm not staying in bed or not eating or eating too much or whatever but I know that I'm definitely not myself either I'm relatively flat, unmotivated, disconnected. There's probably other words I could throw in there, but that's what's come to mind. Sometimes I'm emotional at times, which usually isn't like me, but we'll talk about bottling feelings in a different podcast. But it's confusing. It's confusing for the people around me as well because if you feel like you should be doing a better job, been what you are and it's really hard to describe but um you know the the truth is the cancer journey or illness journey whatever you might be going through is a long one you don't just finish treatment and move on um and because it's such a blur and it happens so quick like processing what has even happened but there is there's a lot of waiting there's waiting for scans it's waiting for results you know, to find out has it gone, has it shrunk, has it spread? And then even beyond that, there's another quiet thought or thoughts that sit in the background is what if it comes back or what if nothing has happened? What if it's still there? Like it's, you know, it messes with your head. And then... You have the mental load, which could be, you know, what you had before you found out you were unwell and then everything on top of that. So, you know, you get the constant questions of, you know, what should I eat? What supplements are actually helping? Should I be fasting? What's going to reduce the risk? And it's like you step into this world of information and no one can give you a straight answer, but they all conflict one another. Each one of my oncologists and my herbalists conflict each other. So it's like, who's right? And, you know, physically, you don't just bounce back either. If I went out to try to play a game of basketball now or something, I'd probably break something because my bones are so brittle from treatment. But, you know, you're exhausted. You get puffed out. You zone out. You're dealing with hormones that are completely off. You're navigating brain fog. And honestly, I think chemo brain is worse than baby brain, in my opinion. I'm noticing like hair thinning and some days are harder than others. And it is what it is. You just have to accept that and not feel bad that some days are harder than others. But what I've also had is that you don't look sick. People assume that you're not. You look good. You must be fine. You're through it now. And it's like just because I don't look sick, it was never my goal to look sick. I shared my journey because I really want to stop cervical cancer and other cancers happening that's that's what i feel my purpose was for this but just because you look look you don't look sick doesn't mean you're not going through any of it um you know and to not look sick can just be as hard as trying to look sick isn't it like you're trying to look sick some days you just are sick um But, you know, sometimes there are things that are just harder to explain. Like I don't feel like I'm the same person I was before this either. And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's just the thing at the moment. And, you know, what used to feel normal doesn't feel normal anymore. And honestly, as I spoke with my other podcast, I don't know whether I want it to be back to whatever that normal was because I don't think I was truly happy. and healthy in that normal either. So why should I have to go back to that? But there is something that's become really clear through all of this and it's who my people are. So the people who had showed up, the people that took me to appointments, checked in with me, sent messages, brought food for me, like made homemade food for me, didn't judge, like that kind of support, you don't forget that. And, you know, if you're in this stage right now or you're supporting someone who is going through something, whether it's cancer or whatever it might be, I would like you to hear this and that it's The phases I've spoken about are real. I don't think that it's talked about enough or if it is, I haven't resonated with anything out there. And I think it deserves just as much understanding as the treatment itself. And I think that's just a journey that you take. It doesn't happen automatically. So instead of thinking I should be back to normal by now, try and reframe it and say, you know, I'm still healing just in a different way. So, you know, how you're healing now is probably different to you have healed pre-cancer or pre-whatever you're going through now, and that's completely fine. You can still be grateful and you can still be struggling at that same time. And if you are feeling flat... If you are feeling disconnected, if you thought that you would feel different by now or normal by now or whatever your thoughts were, I honestly do see you and I do not think that you are doing anything wrong. Don't let anyone tell you you're doing something wrong. You are just in a part of the journey that isn't spoken enough. And, of course, you know, everything is subjective. Like it's hard to do something when you are filled with so much information and you don't know whether you're doing the right thing or not. But I just want to thank you for being here and for listening and for allowing space for conversations like this. um i know that i've had a lot of people reach out um to thank me for sharing my journey um a lot of people are coming from a carer's perspective um as well in this um which i will do my best to to cover as well but um yeah it's just a journey that i'm on and you know i won't take every podcast episode on this um but this is just where i am right now the podcast is always designed to focus um on ways that i can help people at scale and not just that one-on-one that i had been so used to doing and to go through my personal experiences and um get people on board on the podcast who share similar values and know that can provide value for all those that listen. But the cancer journey is one that I am on now and I know that there's a lot of people that have reached out personally really liking that I'm sharing this journey because there are people who are going through cancer that haven't told anybody and I respect that. That's their choice. So I want to be able to provide something for them when they have decided to to not share their journey with other people which is completely fine so if you know someone that might be going through something big I don't think this just applies to to cancer if you know it could be something traumatic. It could be an illness that's not cancer. It could be a breakup. It could be, you know, whatever it might be. If someone's expecting you to go back to where your old normal is, you know, then please share this podcast because you don't know who could be struggling. And, yeah, as always, appreciate if there's any topics that you would like me to discuss. But this one was pretty relevant for the moment because I'm a bit over feeling meh. um what then feeling after meth is um i'm not sure yet but i'm sure that i will find it but uh yeah thanks again for listening and don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss any other future podcasts enjoy the rest of your day and i'll catch you later bye
