Okay, quick note to my amazing listeners. I'm putting this one with a disclaimer, being all very official, loyal-like. But first of all, before I start, I want to make it clear that I am not diagnosing anybody on anything about being a narcissist because the term narcissist does get thrown around a lot. What I can help you do is recognize patterns of toxic dynamics and give you a simple way to reality check what you're experiencing. So to be diagnosed as a narcissist is actually something like a doctor, a psych needs to do. And the chances are of somebody being diagnosed is that are probably going to be slim because they don't think that there is generally an issue. So We can't control that. All we can control is what is within our control, which is how we can respond to those situations. So just wanted to start it off by saying I am not deeming anybody a narcissist. I'm not diagnosing anything. I'm just trying to help you understand get control of what you can control, which is your experience with it and how you can move on in the future with it. So with that being said, hello to this week's podcast. So with that being said welcome to this week's podcast so if you have ever googled is my partner a narcissist or whispered to yourself maybe it's me maybe I'm too sensitive and this episode is definitely for you because the most pressing question I see people asking is not what is the clinical definition some people don't even know that there actually is a clinical definition It's more how do I know that this relationship that this friendship is actually toxic or am I just overreacting and being too sensitive and today I'm going to give you a quick win a Three simple part check that you can do in about five minutes that cuts through that confusion so Toxic relationships generally do not start as a toxic relationship. They often start with maybe some intensity, some chemistry, attention, some big promises. They're all different but just, you know, For an example. And then slowly you start, you might be second guessing your memory. You might be apologizing for things that you didn't do. You might be walking on eggshells. You might be feeling like you're too much and somehow also not enough because that's one of our biggest fears. We're just not loved and we are not enough. And the reason it's so confusing is because there are often good moments in in those other moments too. So what I would like you to do is to grab a pen or open up your notes app or whatever you are comfortable with. And I want you to think about these three questions. So number one, pattern over promises. Ask yourself, what is the pattern regardless of whatever promise they are after? So toxic dynamics could often look like hurtful behavior, that are an apology or a great gesture, and then there might be a bit of a reset, but then the same behaviour happens again. Sometimes it's the same, sometimes it's not as much, sometimes it's escalated, just depends. If nothing has changed for the next twelve months, would this relationship feel safe to stay in? So question number two, impact over intent. What is the impact on me emotionally, physically and mentally? Even if they say they didn't mean it, the impact might be your anxiety spikes every time that you see their name or you see them. You feel smaller, foggier, less confident. You're constantly managing their moods. You're losing touch with friends, families or yourself. Do this. I feel more like myself in this relationship or less? Three, that's two fingers, three. Repair over blame. So healthy relationships could have conflict. The difference is the repair in that conflict. In a healthy dynamic, repair might sound like, I hear you, I can see how that hurt. what can I do or what can we do differently next time? In a toxic dynamic, you'll probably often see blame shifting, so you made me do it. Minimising things, like you are just way too sensitive, like this is always about you. Rewriting reality, like that never happened, what are you talking about? Punishment, silent treatment, withdrawal, rage. So have a think about when I raise a concern, do we move toward an understanding or do I end up defending my right to feel anything at all? So that's probably going to take a little bit of time. You don't want to rush that. But here is the quick win part. If you answer yes to two or more of these questions, I think I only have three anyway, it's probably a repeated pattern and the impact on you is probably getting worse and repair is being replaced by blame. then it's then probably a strong sign that you are not overreacting. You're responding to a dynamic that isn't emotionally safe or it's getting to a point it's not emotionally safe. And if you were sitting there thinking, okay, that's me, I would like you to hear this. Confusion is a symptom when you're constantly made to doubt yourself, your nervous system goes into survival mode and we can't live in that survival mode. Your next ethical step doesn't have to be leave now, leave tomorrow. You might want to take a more grounded step, which might be start a private notes log of incidents. So date what happened, what was said, how you felt. Pick a boundary and test it. So... start small talk to a trusted professional or support service if you think you need something a little bit more than maybe what you have now and most importantly i really want you to reconnect with your reality Now, if you want help putting language to what you're experiencing, remember I have created my narcissist playbook, which is your guide to recognizing manipulation and reclaiming your power. It includes lots of different things, but there are over twenty manipulation tactics with the phrases that they use, their word for word response scripts. and de-escalation tools there's strategies that are practical and can be legal ready if you need them there's a protection plan and a recovery roadmap in there and i'll link it in the show notes and remember that you can you can get it you can download it and use it straight away especially the script so you can stop getting tangled in word games and start responding with calm clear boundaries especially when there's kids involved you really want to be careful about what you're saying around them what you're doing and what you expect what you're setting as a reality i suppose for your kids and i just want to leave you with this a healthy relationship doesn't require you to abandon yourself to keep the peace that's not a healthy relationship uh if you want in the next episode oh sorry forget that last part that was me gym just so finish on um i did delete it sorry so when i started so the last sentence of that was a healthy relationship doesn't require you to bend yourself to keep the pace that's where it finishes um don't worry about what i said after that that was um yeah um okay i think that's it okay Thank you.
