Quick legal disclaimer, because that's what I do. I am not diagnosing anyone in today's podcast episode. I know that narcissist is a term people use loosely online. And honestly, most humans will probably tick a few boxes at some point, especially under stress. So I'm not diagnosing anyone. We're not doing labels. What we're going to do today is we're going to talk about boundaries. So if you've been wondering, do I need to end a relationship? What if they're not a narcissist and maybe they're just difficult? Why does it get worse the moment I set a boundary? Then this episode is for you. So because the real question isn't what are they? It's what happens when I say no, when you test a boundary, especially if you haven't done that before. Because here is what I believe to be the truth. You don't need a diagnosis of anything to justify a boundary. A healthy-ish relationship can still have messy moments and that's okay. But the deciding factor is capacity for repair if it's gone wrong on for too long or it's gone too far so instead of asking yourself are they a narcissist ask maybe these three questions instead do they take accountability without blaming me do they respect my no without punishing me do their behaviors change over time or do i just get better at tolerating them If your no is met with rage, silent treatment, guilt, threats or reality twisting, that's probably not a communication issue and it could be a safety issue. If someone benefits from you having no boundaries, your boundary will feel like an attack to them. So, yeah, sometimes when you start holding a line, especially when you haven't done it before, that behaviour may escalate. Now, that doesn't mean your boundary is wrong. It means that the boundary is working. and want to make this a bit practical for you. So let's say step one is the boundary. A boundary isn't a debate, it's a statement. So for example, what I mean by that is I'm not continuing this conversation while I'm being insulted. I'm not available for yelling. I'll discuss this when we're both calm or we'll discuss this when we're both calm even. Step two, the consequence. So it's not meant to be a punishment. A consequence is what you will do. So for an example, if it continues, I'm going to hang up or I'm going to walk away. If you raise your voice again, I'm leaving the room. If you keep messaging like this, I'll respond tomorrow. You might not want to respond at all. But step three is the consistency where this can start to change everything. And I think this might be where some people mostly get stuck as well. So consistency means you don't have to explain it twelve different ways. you don't have to keep negotiating your own boundary you want to follow through with it every time and that might take a bit of work and you know maybe you might negotiate it um for some part but eventually you will start to follow through with your boundary and if you're thinking that that feels harsh it's not harsh it's clarity and it's probably going to feel unfamiliar because It is unfamiliar. It's something new that you might not have done before. And if you are dealing with someone who twists things, one of the biggest quick wins is to stop jading. So jade stands for justifying, arguing, defending and explaining. So you can be kind without being available for chaos. And I have some scripts that may help you. So script one, this is all in the show notes as well, but you might be trying to end a heated conversation. So you might want to say something like, I'm not continuing this while we're speaking disrespectfully to each other. I'm going to step away now. We can try again later. So script two for a repeated boundary. I'm not available for that. Full stop. That's it. I'm not available for that. That's it. That's all you say. Short, sweet, walk away. Script three, when they flip it back onto you. I hear that you're upset. I'm still not okay with being spoken to like that. Very, very simple, but can be very effective. How to tell whether it's improving or not. Here is probably something to test over the next couple of weeks. Do they calm down faster? Do they repair without blaming? Do they change behaviour and not just apologise? If the pattern is boundary punishment, you back down, that's not progress, that's conditioning and that's not going to change anything. If you do want the tactics laid out even more clearly than what I have done here today, you know that I have my word-for-word script. I have de-escalation tools and documentation strategies. When I created my narcissist playbook, probably need to change the name, but it works. It's like a twenty-two page guide to recognising manipulation and reclaiming your power. The link for it will be in your show notes. It just goes into a lot more depth than what we have here today. But I'm hoping that puts um, some gives you something to work with instead of going for the extreme of thinking that they're a narcissist or a toxic person or, um, having to go through a separation or ending relationship, whether it's a friendship or, you know, professional relationship, romantic relationship, whatever it might be. Um, because the word is so used we're conditioned online to think that it's not us it's them and they're a narcissist and you have to leave that might not be the case at all so i'd really suggest that you start with just these basic simple scripts and that is going to then give you the next stage of okay so how are they reacting is is this right is this wrong is is it changing and is nothing changing and then then you can go into the next steps of like okay so i've given this a good crack for you know a couple weeks months um what's my next step now so um please share this with your um with your contacts, with your friends and your families in case there is anybody going through this. You don't know what is happening behind closed doors. So by sharing it and somebody seeing it might really help somebody in their relationship. Sorry, Jim, I'm just going to see what my last paragraph was because it went up. And please remember this, you don't need a label to choose peace. You need a boundary and then we need to give you the courage to keep it. Take care. Bye. I think that could nearly be turned into. I really like that. Sorry, talking to myself and record.
