There's something nobody really talks about when it comes to a separation or a divorce. It's not always the relationship itself that keeps people stuck. Sometimes it's the fear of the unknown. And honestly, that fear can be so overwhelming that people convince themselves to stay in situations they already know aren't right, simply because they can't picture what happens next. Or they leave, they panic and think maybe I should just go back. Wasn't that bad. Could be worse. And it's not because the relationship was healthy and it's not because the issues disappeared, but it's because that uncertainty feels unbearable. And I get it. And the unknown is uncomfortable for anything relevant of what that situation is. And your brain loves certainty. And even if that certainty is bad, it's familiar. It's unfamiliar that it doesn't like. And your brain would sometimes rather sit in a familiar burning house than walk into a fog where it can't immediately see what that outcome is. Because at the least, the burning house, it's predictable. It's comfortable. It's what you already know. Well, it might not be comfortable. That wasn't the word I was after. But it's the known. And you know where the exits are. You know where the creaky floorboards are. They know how to respond emotionally. And you can survive there. But that fog, that's where people start... um, catastrophic. So how will I afford life? What if I'm alone forever? What if I destroy my kids? What if I regret this? What if they move on? What if I can't emotionally cope? What if I'm making a huge mistake? All of these different what ifs. And suddenly people aren't making decisions based on clarity anymore. They're making decisions based on panic and that unfamiliar. so today i want to talk about how not to hopefully completely crap your pants during a separation and i'm not going to pretend it's easy and i'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt but what i want to do is Start making the unknown feel smaller and more manageable because people do not need all the answers immediately. You just need the next few steps. That's it. And one of the biggest mistakes I see is people trying to mentally solve the next ten years overnight. Your brain starts trying to calculate finances and housing and everything. custody of the kids if there's kids and dating and retirement and Christmases and birthdays and future partners and superannuation and, you know, who gets the air fry, who gets the bucket, like everything all at once. And it is information overload and it won't serve you and that is how people feel paralysed. So the first thing I want you to remember is you do not need to solve your entire future this week. You just need enough information to stop your nervous system acting like a, I don't know, something trapped under something. Hang on, Jim, let me think of something. It's come up with raccoon and we don't have raccoons in Australia. So I'm just trying to think of. I was going to say rat. All right. So I have to redo this part. You just need enough information to stop your nervous system acting like a rat that's trapped in a wheelie bin. Quick win number one, get information before making emotional decisions. Fear grows beautifully when there is silence and confusion, and that's what we don't want. Sometimes people delay separation for years because they haven't spoken to a lawyer, a mortgage broker possibly, a therapist, a financial advisor, or even some trusted friends. Your brain can fill the gap, sorry, their brain can fill the gap with worst case scenarios. But information creates options. Options can create calm. Options can also create overwhelm. But even if you ultimately stay in the relationship, I think understanding your position matters. Your quick win number two, stop trying to predict every possible outcome. You can't, nobody can, and chances are you're probably always going to go to the worst case scenario. Most people think certainty comes before action. Usually certainty comes after the action because then it's known. So it's after a conversation. It's after boundaries have been set. It's after gathering your documents. It's after maybe trying some therapy. Maybe it's after separation and it's after seeing how life actually feels. Clarity often arrives while things are moving, not while you're sitting frozen. Quick win number three. That is two fingers. That is three. My bad. Focus on stabilising yourself physically. So this one sounds really simple and that it doesn't matter, but it does matter more than what you realise. During separation, people can stop sleeping properly, they can stop eating properly, stop exercising, stop drinking water, stop eating healthy food, and they start doom scrolling at one a.m. while emotionally feeling paying a FBI visit to the exit. They're scrolling through their Facebook or their Instagrams, you know, playing detective, seeing what's happening. Your nervous system can't make good decisions while you're running on caffeine, anxiety and half a piece of toast. You do not need to become a wellness influencer overnight, but having basic wellness strategies does matter. Sleep, food, movement, support. Your body and your brain are on the same team. Don't have them working in conflict with one another. Quick win number four, please don't make permanent decisions from temporary panic. The first few weeks or months after a separation can feel emotionally chaotic. Some people want to reconcile immediately because they missed the comfort. They are unfamiliar with the unknown and they want to go back to what is familiar. Some people simply want revenge. Some people want to burn down every joint bank account and, you know, move to some foreign country with a Labrador named Stephen. Like, who knows? Whatever it might be. Everybody is different and you do not need to decide your entire future in the middle of an emotional shock. So please give yourself space to settle before making any reactive decisions. And probably the biggest thing I want people to hear today is fear does not automatically mean you are making the wrong decision. It's the unknown. Sometimes fear simply means you are standing on the edge of change. You're going from what is unfamiliar and then you're going to go to what is a new familiar. And, you know, change isn't comfortable, but that doesn't mean that is a bad thing. I think a lot of people assume that if leaving is the right choice, that you should feel instantly at peace and confident. And I don't think that is a reality. Sometimes the right decision still feels terrifying because there's so many different unknowns. You've been in a situation that you might not be happy with, but it is comfortable. And now you're going into that unknown. And that is really terrifying, especially when there's kids and there's finances and homes and there's all sorts of different identities involved. You can deeply love someone and still know something isn't sustainable. You can care about someone and still need boundaries. You can be scared, but you can still move forward. These can coexist together. And if you're currently sitting in the I don't know what to do stage, please don't. Sorry. And if you are currently sitting in the sorry, Jim, I have to go back and do that. And if you're currently sitting in the I don't know what to do stage, please know you don't have to have your entire life figured out today. You just need the next step. So maybe that's getting the advice. Maybe that's opening up a separate bank account. Maybe that's seeing a therapist. Maybe that's writing down your finances. Maybe that's simply admitting to yourself, I am happy and what is that next step? That alone can be huge and terrifying. So because avoidance has a sneaky way of making fear grow, and it's the things we often avoid that become bigger in our minds than what they are in reality. And sometimes ignoring something means and it's going to become bigger in the future because it's been ignored for so long. And no, separation isn't easy. I'm not pretending that it is otherwise. But neither is staying somewhere your nervous system is begging you to escape from or at least have a break from. At some point, people have to stop asking what if everything goes right, which is where our brain goes, and start asking what if life could, sorry, I think I said that wrong, At some point, people have to stop asking, what if everything goes wrong? That's where our brain automatically goes. Start asking yourself, what if life could eventually feel lighter than this? If this episode has resonated with you or reminded you of someone who might be struggling behind the scenes, please feel free to share this with them. Sometimes hearing you're not crazy and you're not alone is at the right moment can change everything. And if you like more practical conversations around separation, healing, boundaries, rebuilding life after hard sessions, please make sure you subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. And I will catch you next time. There was something I was going to say in the middle of all that. And do you reckon I remember what that was? Oh, what was it? I'm just seeing if I can remember. It's probably no point me trying to remember it because I don't know where I was going to fit it in. I think I do remember it now. It's all right. Yeah, that's all right. No, that's good. Thanks, Jim.
