So one of the most common things I hear from people who are thinking about separation isn't how do I leave? It is generally how do I cope? How do I cope if I stay? How do I cope if I leave? How do I cope with the guilt? How do I cope with the fear? How do I cope with what this might do to the kids? And perhaps the biggest question of all is should I stay for the kids? And I know that it's a question that keeps people awake at night, sometimes for weeks, months or even years. And today I want to talk about it. And I'm not going to come at it from a legal perspective. I'm not going to come at it from a psychological perspective, but probably more of a human perspective. Because if you are asking yourself this question, chances are that you are carrying a weight that very few people can see and probably no one else can understand. And you're likely doing your best job to try to keep everything together and keep everything moving. So you're following the normal routine where that might be getting the kids to school and then you go to work. paying the bills, showing up to all the sporting commitments, smiling when you're supposed to smile, even though you don't feel like it. But underneath it all, there is a question that is quietly running in the background and it's causing you to lose a lot of energy around it. It's restricting what you have other things to focus on. And it's probably, can I keep doing this? And that's what I want to talk about today. most people assume separation is the hard part and often um often it isn't often the hardest part is the months or years before that so the energy that you are thinking on um sorry the energy that you are spending on thinking things like the just thinking in in general the the second guessing yourself uh the the hoping the the waiting um the the bargaining especially if the the person isn't a bad person things have just changed You know, you're wondering when things will improve, wondering whether you're expecting too much and think, well, it's not a bad relationship. He or she is not a bad person. Maybe we should just keep going. You know, the wondering whether everyone else's relationship is somehow easier than yours. Living in that uncertainty really is exhausting. because i don't think you will ever really get to rest and your body could be sitting on the couch but your mind is running a marathon you replay conversations you analyze behaviors you look for signs that things are getting better um Then you're looking for things as to whether they get worse. So you make a decision and then you might talk yourself out of it. And then you make the decision again and you keep repeating that cycle. And sometimes the uncertainty becomes heavier than the actual answer itself. So let's talk about the phrase, I'm staying for the kids. Because I think there are two actually... I think there are two different sides, different versions to this. So I think the first is, no, I believe the first is we're having a difficult season, but we're both committed to improving the relationship. So that's healthy. Notice the key phrase, both in that not one person because relationships do go through difficult season. So for example, people grow, people can change. um challenges happen sometimes staying and working through things is absolutely the right decision and i'm all for that the caveat to that would be if you're in a domestic violence situation okay um and then there's a second version so the relationship ended a long time ago but we're both pretending it hasn't and i think they are very different situations um kids are incredibly perceptive they learn about relationships often by watching yours so um You can also be listening to what we say, but more it's probably watching what we actually do. So how we communicate, how we manage conflict, how we show affection. how we handle disappointment, how we treat each other when life gets hard. We often say, oh, my God, you know, he or she is just like you. And there's usually a parent that you, you know, you can see the child with. That's them picking up on our mental reasons and how we speak to each other and also to ourselves. So kids don't need perfect parents. I don't think perfect parents exist. But what I think they need are healthy examples of relationships and just people in general. And then I think there's another question that is worth asking is, well, I think it's one that most people never stop to consider either. But it's, are you being the parent that you want to be? Not the parent you hope to be one day. Not the parent you were before life got complicated. The parent you are right now. Because when we're carrying the weight of an unhappy relationship, it doesn't just affect us or our partner. It affects us personally. It affects our patience, our energy. our mental health our ability to be present not just in the same room being actually present present our ability to enjoy moments that matter and sometimes our you know our career as well and I often see people so consumed by the stress of the relationship that they have very little left to give themselves, let alone their kids. So you're physically there, but emotionally you're exhausted. You're checked out. So you're probably doing the thing. So you're attending the soccer game. You might be driving to basketball or to school, whatever it might be. You might be making the lunches. You're doing the home, helping with the homework, but you turn empty. And this isn't about blame. it's about awareness because sometimes when we're so focused on keeping the family together that we stop asking whether we're actually showing up as a parent we want to be if nothing has changed over for say like the next five years would you become more patient would you become more present Would you feel more connected, more engaged? Or would you become increasingly exhausted, resentful and disconnected? Now, that's really heavy and I know they're really difficult questions, but I think that they are the important ones because staying for the kids means very little if the situation is slowly turning you into a version of yourself that you no longer recognise. Your children don't just benefit from having you physically present. They benefit from having the best version of you that is available to them. So when somebody tells me they're going for the kids, I often ask them a different question. If there were no kids involved, would you still stay? The end isn't always leave and it isn't always stay, but it often creates clarity because sometimes people are staying because they generally want to and sometimes they're staying because they're terrified of what comes next. Those are very different reasons. One, comes from choice the other comes from fear and fear is rarely a great place to make long-term decisions from so it can be sneaky it rarely says I'm scared instead It usually sounds like, what if I regret it? What if I don't afford it? What if the kids blame me? What if nobody else wants me? What if I'm making a mistake? What will people think? And here is the truth. Religion can play a big part in that as well if you come from religious families. But you never get a guarantee. What you can do is you can gather your information, you can seek advice, you can make a plan, but eventually every significant life decision requires something certainty can never provide. Courage. Not certainty, it's courage. Because certainty usually arrives after the decision is made, not before it. Now, I believe this is important. Not everyone listening needs to leave and not everyone listening should leave. And I'm not telling you to leave, not to leave. That's not what I'm doing. This is not advice, disclosure. Not everyone that's listening is ready. Sometimes relationships can be prepared. Sometimes communication can improve. Sometimes you just need a break. Sometimes counselling helps and sometimes both people are willing to do the work. But if you are struggling and want you to start here, so stop asking should I leave and start asking what needs to change. So maybe it's communication. Maybe it's boundaries. Maybe it's respect. Maybe it's effort. Maybe it's honesty. Maybe it's both people finally acknowledging about what's really happening. Whether you stay or leave, clarity, I believe, starts with honesty. And perhaps the question isn't should I stay for the kids? Perhaps the better question is what kind of environment am I creating for the kids? Because children don't need parents who stay together at all costs. I believe they need parents who are emotionally healthy. Parents who can regulate themselves. And I'm not saying parents need to be perfect. We are not perfect. I don't think that exists. But parents who can model respect. Parents who can create safety. Parents who can show them what healthy relationships look like. And sometimes it happens in one home and sometimes it happens across two homes. And that's okay. Every family is different. Every relationship is different. And which is why that there is no one size fits all answer. And if you are sitting in uncertainty right now, I want you to know something. You don't have to solve the next ten years today. You don't have to decide your entire future tonight. You don't have to know exactly what comes next. The only thing I believe you need to do is to be honest, honest of how things are, honest about how you feel, honest about what you need, because clarity rarely arrives while we are pretending. It usually arrives when we are willing to tell ourselves the truth. And from there, the next step usually becomes easier to see. One step at a time. One conversation at a time. And one decision at a time. And I would like you to remember this. The goal isn't to be a perfect partner. The goal isn't to be a perfect parent because I don't think either exists. The goal is to create a life where you and the people you love have the best opportunity to survive. Sometimes that means staying. Sometimes that means leaving. but it will always start with honesty. I hope that has provided some practical information for you. Please remember to subscribe and obviously share this in your networks because you never know who might be going through this themselves. I do appreciate you being here. Thank you so much and I'll catch you next time. Bye. Thanks, Jim.
