Do you know that feeling when a message comes through and before you've even finished reading it, your thumb's already typing the defense? Look, I am also guilty as charged, but today I want to give you four letters that will save you from sending that message. B-I-F-F. Now, BIF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It was built specifically for people dealing with high-conflict communication, and it works because it takes the bait out of the conversation entirely, if you remember to use it. So here's what each part means. Brief. Two or three sentences. Not because you don't have more to say, you probably have plenty, but because every extra sentence is just another thing for them to twist, argue with or use against you later. Informative. Just the facts. Dates, times, logistics. No opinions about parenting or whatever it might be. No references to the past. No as usual or like always. Friendly. Not warm. You don't owe them warmth, whoever they may be. Just be neutral. Hi. Thanks. A plain closing. This isn't for their benefit. It's so that if this message is ever read by a lawyer or a mediator or a judge or wherever it goes, if anything, it reads reasonable. It's so that if this message is ever read by a lawyer or a judge, a mediator, a police, whatever it might be, it reads as a reasonable one in the exchange. Firm. You say the one thing clearly and you don't reopen it. No justifying, no re-explaining, no chasing any agreement. Most people think that responding well means responding fully, answering every accusation, correcting every lie, defending every decision. That's exactly what keeps the cycle going. A BIF response doesn't defend it, doesn't escalate. It just closes the loop and then it moves on. So say somebody sends a long message blaming you for something. It could be kid-related like changing a pickup time and dragging in three other complaints that have nothing to do with it and, you know, whatever it might be. A BIFF response to that might be, hi, pickup is at four p.m. Friday as discussed or won't be responding to the other points. Thanks. That's it. No paragraph defending yourself. No, well, actually, you've answered the actual logistics question and declined the invitation to fight. I even do this with lawyers on the other side because I'm just like, I don't have the energy and I don't want to waste my energy. If things ever end up in front of a court, police, whatever it might be, depending on your situation, Whatever your situation, I'm clearly kind of referring this to like a family law response, right? But it can be anything. It could be that friend, that relative, that work colleague, whatever it might be. But if things do ever end up in front of a court or a mediator, your written communication becomes evidence of who you are in this relationship. A string of like beef messages shows someone's calm, consistent and child focused. That's more than winning any individual argument by text. So next time that message comes through, before you type anything, ask yourself, is this brief? Is it informative? Is it friendly? And is it firm? If not, it's probably not ready to hit send yet and you might want to have another crack. Wait to respond as well. Don't think that because as soon as you've got that message that you have to respond to that either. We live in a world where everything is like so instant. As long as you don't have something on your phone that says like you've read the message or the email, I'd never put that on anything. Give your time to respond. You might need to calm down and go for a walk or have a cup of tea or something before you respond to that. You don't need to respond. um i'm not quite sure if that last part worked because i just looked at my camera and it went blank if it hasn't we might need to put I don't know, some B-roll or something at the end of that. So just do your best. Let's just start it again. I don't know why it's doing that. be edited I'm trusting you that you're doing that and not doing me and you know
