Hey everyone. And welcome to the Stacey M show. I'm Stacey. And today we're talking about something that has come up in a recent webinar and it actually comes up pretty often. And the question was essentially, my wife controls all of our finances and she's told me if I move out, she'll cut me off completely. Now this hits me right in the heart because I know there's someone listening right now who is in this exact situation or is scared to be in this situation if they end a relationship and you might be feeling trapped and scared. Sorry, I'm going to have to keep pausing it because it's going too quick. So this is going to be a bit of editing, sorry. Now, this hits me right in the heart because I know that there's someone listening right now who is potentially living this and is in this exact situation. So you might be feeling trapped, scared. You might even be questioning whether you have the right to leave because of these financial threats. Today, we're going to unpack this from two important angles. Because the truth is these situations aren't always black and white. So first, let's talk about what's really happening. So when someone threatens to cut you off financially during separation, there could be two things happening here. Scenario one is fear and panic. So sometimes this might be the reason for the control. So I want to be really clear about this. The person making the threats could be absolutely terrified. They're scared of being abandoned and they're grasping for any sense of control that they can find. Think about it. If you have ever imagined life without your partner and then suddenly they're talking about leaving, your brain can go into complete panic mode. And when we're panicking, we don't always make the best choices. So we'll say things like, fine, if you'll leave, you'll get nothing from me because it feels like that sort of power that you may have left. And I'm not saying this makes it okay, it doesn't, but it's just another side to possibly understand what's happening. Second, of course, is the control and abuse. And this is deliberate, but let's be honest, this usually happens more than often. So sometimes it's about control, plan and simple. And some people use money as a weapon because it works. And they know that threatening someone's financial security will keep them trapped. If your partner has a history of manipulating or controlling behavior, if they have used money to manipulate you before, if they have seemed almost pleased about having this power over you, then that's a different story entirely. So how do we tell the difference? So fear-based reactions usually come up suddenly when separation is first mentioned. It includes a lot of emotions, crying, pleading, desperation. It might be accompanied by promises to change or go to counseling, often include statements like, I can't live without you or I don't know what to do. Control-based behavior is usually being present throughout the relationship, but in different forms. And it's delivered calmly. It's almost like it's a business transaction. And it includes detailed threats about exactly how they will make your life difficult. It comes with a sense of satisfaction and a bit of like smugness to it. Now, regardless of whatever the why is, here's what I'd like you to know. So your legal rights don't disappear because they're making these threats. I can't stress this enough. In Australia, and I'm sure in other areas of the world as well, your entitlement to a property settlement or maintenance doesn't vanish because your partner says that it's going to. The family court doesn't care if your partner threatens to cut you off. I mean, they might, but sometimes they probably don't either. But those rights still exist regardless of whose name is on that bank account. So some steps that you might be able to take. So document everything, every account, every asset, every debt, take photos, make copies, and do this quietly if you need to so they're not catching on because it'll probably trigger them. Open up your own account if it's safe to do so. Most cases, they're probably not going to know that you have one. Even if you can only put like twenty bucks in at the start, just start putting money aside into that account. Get legal advice as soon as you can. So many family lawyers offer free consultations. Find out what interim financial support you may be entitled to, if anything. Know your Centrelink options as well. So there are payments available for people leaving relationships. Don't let anyone tell you you'll be destitute. Now, I'm not saying it's going to be rainbows and unicorns. It probably will be hard times, but we'll get through them. Okay, if you think it's fear-based, here's a suggestion to respond. So try the compassionate approach first. So understand you're scared, I'm scared too, but we need to figure out how to do this fairly for both of us. I'm not trying to hurt you financially. I want us to both be okay. Maybe we could talk to somebody about this stuff and how to handle the practical stuff. Set gentle but firm boundaries. I hear that you are frightened, but threatening me isn't going to change my mind about needing space. I want to work this out fairly, but I need you to stop making threats about money. If you think it's control-based, That's obviously a different story. So you have the grey rock method, which I've spoken about before. So keep conversations boring and factual. Don't react emotionally to threats. I know that's hard. Document everything that they say, even if you think it might not be important. Get legal advice as soon as you possibly can and protect yourself. So don't give them any advance warnings of your plans. Secure important documents before they know that you're serious about leaving. So trying to get what you can for assets, liabilities, passports, birth certificates, things like that. Consider whether you need a safety plan beyond their financial concerns. And we've done podcasts previously about that as well. So the money mindset side of things. Here's something I work on a lot with my clients because I have that diverse background. The fear of financial insecurity can be so overwhelming that we stay in situations that are not good for us. And maybe you grew up seeing a financial struggle. Maybe you've never managed money on your own. Maybe you've been told that you're not capable of supporting yourself or looking after the money. And these beliefs can keep us trapped just as much as any threat can. So just remember that you're more capable than what you think. and there are support systems in place, thousands of people start over financially every single day, and they don't only survive, but they thrive in the new environment. Your worth is not determined by your bank balance, and especially if you're starting over again. For those listening who might be that scared partner, kind of making those threats, if you're the one making these threats because you are terrified, I get it I'm not saying it's right but I get it but I would like you to hear this threatening someone financially will not make them stay it will only make them want to leave faster and they will probably start to resent you and that's not where you want to get especially if you have kids so I would like you to try to respond differently so I'm really scared about how we'll both manage financially can we work together to figure this out I know I can't stop you from leaving, but I'm worried about both of our futures. Can we get some help with this? Consider counselling, both individual and couple counselling, to try and work through that fear and hurt and whatever else might be there. So the bottom line is whether your partner's threats are coming from fear or control, you still deserve to feel safe and have those choices in your life. You still have legal rights. You still deserve to be treated with respect. if someone is using money to control you that's not love that's manipulation and if someone is threatening you because they're scared they need help processing those emotions in a healthier way whether they will or not it's a different story but you are not responsible for managing someone else's fear at the expense of your own well-being so If you are finding yourself in this situation now, please make an appointment with a family lawyer as soon as possible. There is a National Domestic Violence Helpline as well, which we'll put down below. To check out Centrelink's website, it's usually pretty handy to work out what you may be eligible for. Consider any counselling to work through the emotional aspects if that's something that you want to do. And if you want step-by-step, guidance to navigating separation while protecting yourself financially and emotionally, please check out my empowered separation program. I have created it, especially for people who filmed overwhelmed and they don't know where to start. And there's a few different options with the program as well. So please remember separation is hard enough without having financial threats, making it even harder. And you deserve the right to make those decisions about your life. based on what's right for you, not based on fear of the financial consequences. Sorry, it's just gone back up to the top. Silly thing. So remember, separation is hard enough without the financial threats making it even harder for you. And you deserve to make decisions based on what is right for you, not based on fear of the financial consequences. If today's episode has resonated with you at all, or you know somebody who might be in this situation, please share it with them. I'm sure you would be able to help them. And as always, I'm always here supporting you through this journey. If today has been triggering for you, I do apologize. It wasn't meant to be triggering in any way whatsoever. It was simply trying to provide you with information that can help your situation. It's disappointing that it happens, but we can't control other people. So worst case scenario, you find yourself with absolutely no money. The first thing that you would probably be doing is going to a lawyer and they will probably be filing. So filing with the court to get some urgent interim orders in place, whether that's some spousal support or whatever it might be. And as I said before, and I say pretty often, It is likely not to be rainbows and unicorns. I'm not saying it's going to be a walk in the park or anything like that. But the more knowledge you have, the easier and the less stressful it's going to be for you. And as I said, I have changed the program a little bit. So there's a few different entry points now, which the information will be below. But if you have any questions, whatsoever. Please reach out if you want me to go into this in more depth. I'm more than happy to do that as well. Just want to give you as much information as I possibly can to make this as easy as possible for you. So thank you for tuning in. Remember, I am here for this journey. Take care of yourself and I will catch you next episode. We must be end. End.
