Okay, so Nina, this is myself and Liz doing the Empowering Tough Conversations in Relationships for our course. So, all right, Elizabeth, are you ready? I'm ready, Stacey. all right hi everyone today's webinar is with myself and the lovely liz from edge of possibilities and it's all about having those tough conversations in relationships so liz um I've known liz for many many years liz if you want to give us a quick intro to yourself your bio is available for everybody to read more in depth but give us a quick rundown as to who you are Thank you, Stacey. So I started Edge of Possibilities as a leadership coach, I don't know, five years or so ago after having over twenty years in executive leadership in a senior role. And the reason I one of the key reasons I started this business is because so many people learn all kinds of life skills. But one of the things that we don't learn is how to have tough conversations. And if we want to be a leader for ourself in every situation, whether it's with our family, our friends, in work life, everywhere, then we need to be willing and able to have important conversations about things. Because when those things get repressed, it really impacts us. And that's something that is really important to me that I help people achieve through Edge of Possibilities. awesome and definitely agree the reason they'll be doing it on this topic is because having the conversations in a relationship can be really hard and you might either be thinking about ending a relationship you might have had a relationship end or you have ended a relationship sometimes it just comes down to that communication. And one of the first questions we ask when you come to us to start a family or property settlement is, is the relationship definitely over? Because we have had clients get back together before um sometimes towards like the very end um of finalizing the matter and a lot of the times it comes down to that conversation and that lack of conversation um and the complacency that you've had with each other especially if you've been together for a really really long time So, um, having that tough conversation in a relationship, Liz, uh, how, what are your tips for people who might need to have a conversation around either needing to work in the relationship or ending the relationship or, um, you know, just in relation to that, that whole family law aspect of awkwardness of not knowing what what's going to happen in the relationship. Yeah. Yeah, look, I think the first thing is to recognise that this is a really tough thing. When it's your intimate partner, the person that you have been spending your life with and suddenly you're questioning whether this is the right place for you to be in this relationship, just acknowledge yourself that this is tough, it's heavy, and it's as heavy as it gets because this is the most important person in your life, regardless of how the relationship's going. And one of the things that I often say to my clients in our sessions is, your intimate life partner, even though they're the person you share most of your time with quite often, is often the person that you feel least comfortable sometimes sharing some of those most vulnerable aspects of yourself with. And often that's where this challenge begins because we don't open up to one another and don't allow ourself to be vulnerable with our partner to allow them to be there to support us. And in life, every single person that you share something vulnerable with They feel closer to you because they feel like you trust them more. And, you know, it's ironic that our life partner is often not the person we're sharing these things with and yet they're the person that ideally is the best person. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, that I guess is the first thing. And understanding why communication breaks down in the first place. Generally communication involves two people and it breaks down because there's been a breakdown in people's willingness to to develop an understanding of the other person's perspective or point of view and in life we don't all have to agree with each other on everything you don't have to you know in a relationship you don't have to be totally agreeing with each other on everything all the time in fact some of the deepest relationships that I have worked with are people who are polar opposite my husband and I are polar opposite and it's great because we just have different perspectives on things has that caused challenges for us in the past absolutely but now that we've learnt to better understand one another's perspectives, that's enriching our own experience. And it's having that respect when you differ on something as well. So having that too. Yeah. And, you know, sometimes in the communication, in the relationship, you can be like the rock that's not moving or you can be like the water and go with the flow. And once you end up both being rocks, then, you know, there's not a lot of room to move and the only way to make things be able to move forward is to both stop being rocks and start being a bit more of the water where you can mesh together and move around more freely and there's a lot less stress in life when you can be that way. Yeah. Yeah. Love that. What else do you have for us? So, yeah, just wondering, like you might be wondering when it's time to have that tough conversation with someone. So there's no time like the present. It's like, you know, when's the best time to plant a tree? Twenty years ago. When's the next best time now? say this is planting a really decent tree so get get started on um sowing that seed straight away by getting the conversation started and I think you know often people don't know where to begin and that's why they don't start but the key to getting started is to identify what is it that you want from the conversation you need to open up with someone what's the outcome that you want because often people think the outcome is to tell the person the information But actually what we want is a change in behaviour from the other person or a demonstration of understanding, not just to tell the information to them. Because none of us hear information that's told to us. We feel the way the information is shared with us and we take it on board based on the way the other person approaches it. So if you're firing it up like a bullet and shooting it at someone, then they're going to, you know, take the hit but they're not going to hear the message. They're going to feel... feel that with spider yeah whereas if you think about you know the the way you're delivering it we always will get further with honey than we will with sugar so sorry honey than we will with vinegar so if you think about how you need to share the information so the person really understands it and is starting to hear it if you're coming from a place of being defensive or angry then the other person's not going to hear it they're just going to see that defensive shield Yeah. And then I would probably just escalate whatever it is into something bigger than what it, what it needed to be, whether that was taking out the rubbish or not taking out the rubbish with some extent minor could. it could easily escalate. And I just said, the tone is definitely, the tone and the body language, was it like, eighty percent is like body language? That's huge. If you're, you know, doing signs, you know, and you know, you've got that tone matching, you're absolutely like, you're hammering up against that person. So, yeah, be really conscious of the tone and especially the body language when you're trying to have that, start that tough conversation, even if it's like, you know, a subtle way of doing it or, you know, don't go, you haven't taken out the rubbish, you haven't done the dishes, you haven't fed the dogs, you haven't done this, you haven't packed your clothes, like... you know, don't unleash. I imagine that if you're trying to have those conversations you haven't maybe had before, if you've had them, they've been really aggressive. Starting small would be a good way to do that. Yeah, absolutely. And I love the examples that you're giving, especially just the simple thing of taking out the rubbish. Because when we don't get, when we don't address something little like that, then everything becomes an issue. And we end up becoming the gap finder that finds everything that person isn't doing right. And a hundred percent of the time when we're judging someone else and finding all the things they're not doing right, it's because we're judging ourself really harshly as well. So you don't carry on like that when you're feeling fantastic about yourself. So first of all, make sure you're taking good care of yourself and then you'll be in the best place to start to address the communication with the other person. But also start asking yourself the question, what is this really about? Because it's not about whether they put the bin out or not. It's about different values and that you're moving away from one another in terms of how you like things to flow. If it's important to you that you have routines where you've got a clean, fresh environment where you can think and play and have fun, whereas if it's a bit messy and untidy, you have trouble relaxing, then that's what needs to be communicated, not you didn't put the bins out and now it's got maggots in it. So it's actually really getting to the heart of what is it about this situation that's upsetting for you and what is it you need and why do you need it and how do you communicate that to get the other person on board? Because you do want to make sure they understand where you're coming from, but you need to do that in a way that will influence them to be interested in hearing your perspective as well. And often if you want someone else to understand you better, It starts with you understanding them better by you asking better questions of them. Probably you also understanding you better. Understanding you can be a challenge. And find the right time to have the conversation as well. Sometimes, you know, you might have been at home and they've just arrived home. They might have just arrived home from work and then suddenly you're on their back about something. They just might be someone that needs a bit of time to de-stress before they're open again. their minds are open to things. It might be that you go on a drive together and chat about it. Then just working out when's the best time for them to be more receptive and that they're in a calm state so that they're open to hearing the information. And then think about and plan how you're going to put that message into words. So, yeah, just being really conscious of how's that message got to be put across that they'll they'll be receptive and open to it. And if we're blaming and shaming, then we're not going to get anywhere. So it's talking about the situation. It's just like parenting children. We talk about the situation and the behaviour, not about the person. So, you know, I just wanted to let you know, when the bins aren't put out, I feel really frustrated because when everything's organised and tidy, I feel like I can think clearer and I'm more relaxed. So what I'd love is for you to just try and put the bins out on time because then I'll know that it's done and I can relax a lot more and be a lot more focused and present with you and the kid, whatever, as opposed to, you didn't put the bloody bins out again. Yeah. I know we've definitely got the mental list in your head of, yep, okay, so I can go to bed once, dishes are done, bench is clean, dogs are sorted, kids are sorted, uniforms are ready for tomorrow. And when you don't have the system or you've got the system and then something isn't done and, you know, they've said they've done the bins and the next morning you wake up and then you find out they haven't done, like, you know, that could even set you off for the whole day. Yeah, absolutely. So it's having, you know, the order and the routine is because everyone has hectic lives. If that's done, then I know, yep, cool, righto, we're going to wake up that next morning. I know that I'm not going to be having rubbish over plumbing when I'm doing lunches or whatever it is. And, again, it comes down to that communication that we said in our other webinar where complacency sometimes kicks in and you don't have that communication. all assumptions are made um so yeah I'm hundred percent agree um with everything um do you have any other tips so I suppose being open for the response where conversation it might not quite go the way that you want it to go so any tips about that yeah absolutely and you know sometimes their response can be really unexpected they might fly off the handle at us um And that may be because we haven't thought about the timing of when we're addressing the issue. They might have had a pretty crappy day at work and then we're raising something with them or they might have something on their mind. So just being open to whatever their response might be and using it as an opportunity to understand them and the situation a little bit more. And then working out what you're going to do next, whatever you've raised, what's going to be the next thing? What's the next step in that situation? for you in terms of how you address things moving forward, for you in terms of what your standards are and if it's actually something that you now realise you need to just lower your own standards. And the more pressure we're putting on ourself and judging ourself against other people and what other people think of us, the higher we put those standards on ourself and everyone around us. And sometimes we don't realise the energy we're putting out in the universe. You know, when we're putting ourselves under a lot of pressure and we're wanting everything to be a certain way, we don't realise that we're just being such a neg ball and sucking the life out of everyone around us. So sometimes the next step is just to chill a bit and be a bit comfortable. And, you know, I often say when it comes to, especially stuff around the house, kids actually don't care how messy our house is. yeah and the thing about dust is you can write I love you in it so oh we can have our love gives everywhere in my house so it doesn't really matter did anyone ever dive a bit of extra dust or the bin not being put out or whatever um yeah so just being being a bit aware of ourself and how important is that thing that we're pushing the communication around as well. Yeah. And then also I suppose, you know, if we'll use the garbage as an example, if, you know, they go to do the garbage, you know, sometimes like saying thanks. So it's not like you'd have to say thank you for everything. Thank you for... Sitting down in the lounge, thank you for turning the TV on. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. But those small little things like, oh, of course, rubbish is done. Thank you so much for doing that. You know, that can make, you know, the other person's like, oh, cool, they acknowledge me. I'm okay. As I said, you don't have to go. you know vomiting thank yous thank yous everywhere but if you've raised something for example the rubbish just acknowledge and go yep cool you know oh cool that's done thank you tick that off my mental list cool now let's sit down as a family and watch tv because I know that everything's been done for an example so that's a great point jesse it is so important to acknowledge and and if you just tack on that little I I appreciate you for doing that because blah it means such and such um then they realise why it's so important to you. And all of us as humans, we love to be rewarded and reinforced. So if we're acknowledging someone for something they've done for us, they're going to do it more often. Yeah, good point. Just start small. Don't, you know, when they've hit that driveway, don't go running out there in your dressing gown and, ah! You know, timing is definitely important. And as I said, eighty percent is body language. So just be really mindful because your body language is you're hunched over and cranky. That's going to come out in your tone as well, probably. So and then you're probably not going to say the words that are going to assist you in that situation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, that was brilliant. Thank you very much, Liz. If anyone would like to go a little bit further with that, as I said, this is based around a separation, but having difficult conversations is something I know I definitely have to do as a lawyer, as a parent, as a partner. So if you feel like you need a little bit more one-on-one, please reach out to Liz and, yeah, she'll definitely look after you. But thank you very much, Liz. That was amazing. And, yeah, I hope you guys got some account of that. So thank you. Thank you. Thanks for having me on the webinar, Stacey. Thank you. See you. Bye.
