When Leaving Doesn’t End the Abuse: How Control Can Continue Through the System

I remember the first time a client said to me,
“I left. Why does it feel worse now?”

They had done the brave thing. The thing everyone tells you to do.
Leave the relationship. Get out. Choose yourself.

And yet, suddenly they were drowning in court dates, emails, affidavits, delays, and fear. It felt like the abuse hadn’t ended. It had just changed outfits.

That is exactly what we unpack in this episode of The StacyM Show with the incredible Phoebe Lay. And honestly, this is a conversation more people need to hear.

Because leaving does not always mean the control stops.

When Abuse Moves Into the System

One of the most powerful moments in this episode is when we talk about how control can continue through legal systems.

Not always loudly. Not always obviously.
But persistently.

The court can become a tool.
Paperwork can become a weapon.
Delays, applications, objections, and endless back and forth can become a way to keep someone emotionally, financially, and psychologically stuck.

Phoebe explains it so clearly. When someone has already experienced prolonged trauma and stress, the system itself can become another layer of harm. Especially when it is slow, complex, and emotionally exhausting.

This is how people end up retraumatised after they leave.

Not because they made the wrong choice.
But because the process is not designed with trauma in mind.

Why This Can Lead to Complex PTSD

Here is the part people rarely talk about.

When you are under stress for a long time, your nervous system does not just bounce back once the relationship ends. It stays on high alert.

Phoebe talks about how this prolonged exposure to stress and trauma can lead to complex PTSD. Especially when the abuse continues through systems that are meant to help.

You finally leave, expecting relief, and instead you find yourself reliving fear, panic, and hypervigilance through legal processes.

That disconnect is brutal.

And if you are experiencing this, please hear this clearly.
There is nothing wrong with you.

Your body is responding exactly as it was trained to.

The Addiction No One Warns You About

Another moment that stopped me in my tracks was when Phoebe described the early stages of toxic relationships.

Love bombing. Intensity. That overwhelming feeling of being chosen.

She describes it like an addiction. Because neurologically, that is exactly what it can become.

When that high disappears, your body craves it. Even when your brain knows better. Even when leaving is the right thing to do.

This is why “just leave” is such an unhelpful and harmful thing to say.

Leaving is not weakness.
Staying stuck is not failure.
Healing takes time.

The Shift That Changes Everything

One of my favourite moments in this episode is when Phoebe talks about the moment she decided she was done.

Not angry. Not reactive. Just clear.

No more money.
No more energy.
No more time.

That clarity is powerful. Because when someone stops engaging, stops feeding the dynamic, and starts protecting their peace, the power balance shifts.

And sometimes, that is when the noise finally stops.

If You Are In This Right Now

If you are navigating separation, court, or ongoing conflict and thinking,
“Why does this still feel like abuse?”

You are not imagining it.
You are not dramatic.
And you are definitely not weak.

You deserve support that understands both the legal process and the emotional cost of it.

That is why conversations like this matter.

Listen to the Full Episode

This episode of The StacyM Show is a must-listen if you or someone you love is dealing with coercive control, separation, or legal trauma.

🎧 Listen to the full episode now
💬 Share it with someone who needs to hear they are not alone
Or if you need guidance, support, or clarity around your next steps, book a consult via www.stacymunzenberger.com 

You do not have to navigate this alone. 🌻