Toxic Separations: When Money, Kids and Smear Campaigns Become Weapons

When a Separation Turns Toxic, You Feel It in Your Bones

There is a very specific kind of exhaustion that comes with a toxic separation.

Not just the heartbreak or the logistics or the legal stuff. It’s the constant tension. The feeling that every move you make is being watched, twisted, or used against you. The sense that no matter how reasonable you try to be, the other person is playing a completely different game.

I see this every single week in my work. And unfortunately, it’s not rare.

This blog is inspired by an episode of The StacyM Show that I’ve reshared because it is still painfully relevant. If anything, I’m seeing these patterns more, not less.

So let’s talk about what’s actually going on in toxic separations. And more importantly, what you can control.

First, Let’s Talk About the Word “Narcissist”

The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot. Sometimes too much.

Technically, narcissism is a diagnosis. And the chances of someone who truly meets that criteria willingly heading off to get diagnosed are slim. Most of the time, what people are dealing with is not a textbook narcissist, but deeply toxic behaviour.

And honestly, the label matters less than the impact.

If someone is manipulative, controlling, vindictive, or completely indifferent to the damage they cause, the behaviour is the problem. That’s what we need to focus on.

Financial Manipulation Isn’t Always Obvious

One of the biggest warning signs I see in toxic separations is financial manipulation.

And no, this is not just one gender doing it to the other. I see it in all types of relationships.

Financial manipulation can look like:

• Refusing to share bank account details

• Delaying or avoiding financial disclosure

• Giving a partner an “allowance” despite earning good money

• Moving money between accounts to hide it

• Suddenly running a business at a loss

• Making big purchases right before separation

Here’s the important part. Having one person manage the finances is not automatically manipulation. The red flag is secrecy and control.

If you ask to see the financials and you’re stonewalled, brushed off, or made to feel crazy for asking, that’s when alarm bells should ring.

And if you’re reading this thinking, I have no idea where anything is, take a breath. That happens more than you think. There are ways to deal with that legally. Panic will not help you. Strategy will.

Using Kids as Pawns Is Where Things Get Really Ugly

This is the part that makes my blood boil.

Family law is supposed to be about the best interests of the children. And sometimes, that genuinely happens. Sometimes, it absolutely does not.

Using children as pawns can look like:

• Making plans with them and cancelling last minute

• Repeatedly showing up late or not at all

• Making promises they can’t or won’t keep

• Talking about adult issues in front of kids

• Introducing new partners far too quickly

• Bad-mouthing the other parent to the children

Things like:
“Your mum didn’t want to come today.”
“Your dad cares more about their new partner.”
“They took all my money.”

Kids do not need to hear that. Ever.

And most of the time, it’s not even true.

What it does do is create anxiety, confusion, and loyalty conflicts. Kids start feeling like they have to pick sides. That kind of pressure does not disappear when they grow up. It follows them.

I know it’s tempting to defend yourself. To correct the story. To fire back.

But matching that behaviour nearly always backfires.

Smear Campaigns Are Not as Harmless as People Think

Another common tactic in toxic separations is the smear campaign.

Social media posts. Messages to mutual friends. Quiet phone calls to your workplace. Comments disguised as concern.

The problem is not just the emotional toll. It’s that everything can be screenshotted. Saved. Used.

And yes, it can affect your job, your business, and your reputation, especially in smaller communities where everyone knows everyone.

Here’s the hard truth. Retaliating publicly often gives the other person exactly what they want. A reaction.

That reaction can then be used against you legally and strategically.

This is why documentation matters. Dates. Times. What was said. Who was present. What impact it had on the kids or your work.

Do not rely on memory. Write it down.

The Hardest Truth: You Can’t Control Them

This is the part people don’t want to hear.

You cannot control a toxic person.

You can’t control what they say, what they post, or what narrative they spin. Trying to control it often makes it worse.

What you can control is:

• How you respond

• The support you put around yourself

• The lawyer you choose

• Whether you escalate or de-escalate

You also get to choose whether you pay to stay in pain.

Because prolonged conflict costs money. It costs mental health. It costs peace. And in many cases, it costs your kids far more than anyone realises at the time.

So What’s the Better Option?

It’s not about being a pushover.
It’s not about pretending nothing is happening.
And it’s definitely not about letting bad behaviour slide forever.

It’s about being strategic. Values-led. Documented. Supported.

And yes, sometimes that means being the bigger person even when you are absolutely done with that role.

In the long run, it usually plays out better.

Want to Go Deeper?

This blog is just a starting point.

If this resonated, I talk about all of this in more depth on The StacyM Show, including what to watch for, how to protect yourself, and how to choose the right support during a toxic separation.

🎧 Listen to the full episode of The StacyM Show
🌐 Visit www.stacymunzenberger.com  for programs and resources
📞 Or book a consult if you need legal or separation support

You don’t have to do this the hardest way possible.
And you definitely don’t have to do it alone.