Domestic Violence Doesn't Start With a Bruise: What Nobody Tells You Early On

I remember hearing something as a kid that stuck with me way longer than it should have. "He's only pulling your pigtails because he likes you." Cute, right? Except it wasn't cute. It was the first lesson a lot of us got in excusing bad behaviour and calling it affection.

I sat down recently with Joplin Higgins, a family lawyer who's spent nearly two decades in this space, to talk about domestic violence. But not the version most of us picture. Not the bruises, not the headline moment. The stuff that happens way before that. The stuff that gets brushed off, excused, and normalised until one day you look up and you don't recognise your own relationship anymore.

Let's talk about it.

It Doesn't Start With a Bruise

Here's the thing nobody tells you early enough: domestic violence rarely starts with the big, obvious moment. It starts small. A comment. A mood you learn to tiptoe around. A "that's just how he is" you tell yourself one too many times.

Joplin put it perfectly. Family violence isn't just physical, it's verbal, it's financial, it's emotional control, and the legal system is finally catching up to that broader definition. But most of us are still only watching for the one sign we were taught to look for.

If you've only ever been checking for bruises, you might be missing everything else.

We Were Conditioned Young, and That's the Real Problem

This is the part that hit me hardest. Joplin talked about how, as girls, we're conditioned really early to excuse poor behaviour. Someone's rough with you, and instead of naming it, we're told it means they like you.

That conditioning doesn't just disappear once we grow up. It follows us. It shapes what we tolerate, what we explain away, what we convince ourselves is "just how they are."

So here's a question worth sitting with: when was the first time you excused behaviour that, deep down, felt off?

You don't have to answer that out loud. Just notice it.

Your Gut Usually Knows Before Your Brain Catches Up

One of the most validating things Joplin said was this: listen to your intuition. If something feels wrong early on, it probably is. And here's the good news, if it's early, it's so much easier to walk away.

The harder situations are the ones where years have passed, patterns are entrenched, and untangling everything feels impossible. That's not your fault. That's just how conditioning works. But it's also exactly why these conversations matter, so you can catch it sooner next time, or help someone else catch it in theirs.

Leaving Isn't the Finish Line

Something else worth saying out loud, because it doesn't get said enough. Leaving a controlling or violent relationship isn't the end of the hard part. It's often the beginning of a different one.

Joplin talked about the fog that comes after, the difficulty making decisions, the loss of confidence in your own judgment, the slow rebuild of trust in yourself. If you're in that stage right now, feeling foggy, feeling behind, feeling like you should be "further along" by now, please hear this: there is no timeline for healing that anyone else gets to set for you.

A Few Things to Sit With

• Where in your life have you excused something because "that's just how they are"?
• If a friend described your relationship to you as an outsider, what would you tell her?
• Are you looking for the obvious red flags, or the quiet ones too?
• If you've left a relationship like this, have you given yourself permission to move at your own pace?

There's no shame in any of it. Not in staying longer than you wish you had, not in the fog after leaving, not in needing support to untangle it all. That's what community, good friends, and the right professionals are for.

If this stirred something up for you, or you know someone who needs to hear it, listen to the full episode with Joplin Higgins. And if you're navigating separation, family law, or you just need someone in your corner who actually understands, book a call. That's exactly what we're here for.