It’s Not Always the Bruises You Can See: Understanding Coercive Control & Financial Abuse

I’ve lost count of how many times someone has sat across from me and said, "But they never hit me, so it’s not really abuse, right?"

Spoiler alert: It absolutely can be.

Coercive control and financial abuse are some of the sneakiest, most damaging forms of family violence—and they often leave no physical scars.
But just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

Whether you’re quietly wondering, “Is this me?” or supporting someone who’s trying to find their way out, I want you to know: you are not alone, and there is a way forward.

Let’s break it down.

💡 What Is Coercive Control, Really?

Coercive control isn’t about one big, blow-up moment—it’s about a pattern of behaviours that slowly chip away at your independence, your confidence, and your choices.

👉 It might look like:

• You’re timed when you go to Woolies.

• You get a set amount of ‘pocket money’ to feed a whole family.

• You’re not allowed to see friends or family.

• Your phone’s tracked, your car’s tracked, and you’re not even sure how.

• You have no access to the money—even though you helped earn it.

The worst part? Sometimes it starts so subtly, you don’t even realise you’ve lost your freedom until you’re deep in it.

Financial Abuse: It’s Not Just About Money

A lot of people confuse financial control with financial abuse, and they are not the same thing.

👉 Financial control is when one partner manages the money because they’re better at it—but there are open, respectful conversations about where the money goes.

👉 Financial abuse is when:

• You have no access to funds.

• Debts are taken out in your name without your consent.

• Money is used as a weapon to control you.

• You’re forced to financially rely on someone who uses that power to keep you stuck.

Financial abuse is devastating. It takes away your ability to make decisions, it can isolate you from support, and it seriously erodes your self-esteem.
And in today’s world—where every dollar, every step, and every message can be tracked—it’s getting harder for victim-survivors to hide emergency funds or plan an exit.

 So, How Do You Leave Safely?

First of all—you don’t have to do this alone.
Leaving a coercive, abusive relationship is not as simple as packing a bag and walking out. It takes time, planning, and support.

Here are some steps to consider if you’re thinking about leaving:

1. Find Your Safe Person

This is someone you trust—completely. A friend, a parent, a co-worker. You need a way to contact them that can’t be intercepted. Your safe person isn’t there to fix it all—they’re your anchor while you figure this out.

2. Secure Important Documents

Get birth certificates, passports, and any precious keepsakes out of the house safely. If you leave without them, it can be almost impossible to get them back later.

3. Understand Your Finances

Even if you don’t know every detail, try to find out:

• How much is owed on the house?

• Are there any joint bank accounts?

• Superannuation balances?

• Any debts or assets you’re not aware of?

4. Check Your Tech

Tracking is a huge risk.
👉 Get your phone checked by an IT professional.
👉 Remove yourself from shared family apps and location tracking.
👉 Change your passwords—then change them again.

5. Get Legal Advice Early

Please, please speak to a lawyer before you make your move if it’s safe to do so. You’ll need to understand what’s possible with your finances, parenting arrangements, and what protections you can put in place like ADVOs (Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders).

If you’re in immediate danger, forget everything else—just leave.
Call the police. Get to safety. Documents and money can be replaced—you and your children cannot.

One Last Thing: Be Kind to Yourself

Leaving isn’t always a straight line. Many people try to leave several times before they actually do. Trauma clouds decision-making, and the road out is rarely smooth.

If you’re supporting someone in this space, it’s not about your timeline. It’s about walking with them at their pace, even when it’s frustrating.
And if you’ve left, give yourself time to heal, time to rebuild, and time to learn what healthy love feels like.

Ready to Hear More?

I dive deep into this topic on The StacyM Show—where we get real about family violence, coercive control, and what it really takes to leave safely.

👉 Listen to the full episode here.

Or, if you need confidential advice, you can book a free consult with our team here.

You’re not alone. And you can get through this.